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Recognising Red Flag
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This is card 36 of 52 of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck
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When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, one of the most disorienting aspects can be their inconsistent behaviour. You may find yourself continually confused, unsure of where you stand, and constantly questioning what’s real. Narcissists are masters of unpredictability, and their inconsistent actions serve a purpose — to keep you on edge, emotionally dependent, and easier to control.
This post explores how inconsistent behaviour is a significant red flag in narcissistic abuse and how recognising it can help you regain clarity and protect your mental well-being. It’s Card 36 of the 52-card Surviving Narcissism Card Deck, a resource designed to help you identify the tactics narcissists use and offer practical steps to heal from the damage they cause. As we go through this post, we’ll also link to other relevant cards in the deck, each offering more depth and guidance on surviving and recovering from narcissistic manipulation.
If you haven’t yet, you can get the full Surviving Narcissism Card Deck here – each card dives deep into the various manipulations and healing strategies to guide your recovery.
Table Of Contents
What is Inconsistent Behaviour?
Inconsistent behaviour is when someone’s actions do not align with their words, or they behave in contradictory ways depending on the situation. In a relationship with a narcissist, you may experience periods of affection, charm, and attention, followed by coldness, neglect, or even hostility. One moment they may shower you with praise, and the next, they might act as if you don’t exist. This creates emotional whiplash, making it difficult for you to establish a sense of security or stability in the relationship.
Narcissists use inconsistent behaviour to keep you guessing. The unpredictability triggers anxiety, which makes you more likely to seek their approval and reassurance. This tactic is linked to other manipulative behaviours like gaslighting (Card 1) and love-bombing (Card 3), which similarly aim to destabilise your sense of reality and create emotional dependency.
The Impact on "You" of Inconsistent Behaviour
The constant emotional ups and downs created by inconsistent behaviour can have profound effects on your mental health.
Here are just a few ways it can affect you:
Confusion and Self-Doubt: You may find yourself constantly trying to understand why the narcissist’s behaviour changes so dramatically. This confusion leads to self-doubt, as you may start questioning whether it’s something you did that caused the change in behaviour.
Emotional Exhaustion: The cycle of highs and lows can leave you feeling emotionally drained. The energy required to navigate these shifts takes a toll, leaving little room for you to focus on your own well-being.
Heightened Anxiety: Inconsistency fosters an environment where you never feel fully secure. You’re constantly on high alert, trying to predict what will happen next and how to respond. This can lead to long-term anxiety and even panic attacks.
Dependency on the Narcissist: Because of the unpredictable nature of their behaviour, you may find yourself clinging to the moments of kindness or affection, hoping they will return. This emotional dependency traps you in the relationship, making it harder to break free.
Inconsistent Behaviour and Narcissistic Tactics
Narcissists rarely use inconsistent behaviour in isolation. It is often combined with other manipulation tactics to maximise control.
Let’s explore some of these tactics:
Gaslighting (Card 1): By manipulating the truth and denying reality, narcissists make you doubt your perceptions. When combined with inconsistent behaviour, this tactic makes you question your sanity and wonder if you’re overreacting to their behaviour.
Blame Shifting (Card 6): When confronted about their inconsistencies, narcissists often deflect blame back onto you. This tactic not only absolves them of responsibility but also makes you feel like you’re the problem.
Love-Bombing (Card 3): Early in the relationship, a narcissist may shower you with affection and attention, creating an illusion of intimacy. However, as the relationship progresses, this attention becomes erratic, leaving you chasing after the initial “high” they provided.
Future Faking (Card 7): Narcissists often make grand promises about the future to keep you hooked, but their behaviour in the present remains inconsistent. This creates a false hope that things will get better, even though their actions show otherwise.
Silent Treatment (Card 4): The abrupt withdrawal of attention or affection can leave you feeling abandoned and desperate for the narcissist’s approval. This is another way they keep you off-balance and emotionally dependent.
52 Examples of Inconsistent Behaviour" Red Flags
Here’s a are 52 examples of inconsistent behaviour red flags:
1. Extreme Mood Swings
Narcissists often exhibit sudden and dramatic shifts in mood. One moment they can be charming and affectionate, and the next, they can become angry or cold without any clear reason. This unpredictability can leave you feeling anxious and on edge, constantly trying to figure out what triggered the change.
2. Hot and Cold Affection
You may experience a rollercoaster of affection from the narcissist, where they shower you with love one day and ignore you the next. This erratic behaviour creates confusion and emotional turmoil, making it hard to know where you stand. Over time, this can erode your self-esteem and sense of security in the relationship.
3. Changing the Story
Narcissists are known for altering their narratives to fit their needs or to manipulate others. You may find them recounting past events differently, often depending on what they want you to believe. This can leave you doubting your own memories and perceptions, fostering a sense of instability.
4. Shifting Priorities
One moment, you may feel like their top priority, while the next, you feel completely sidelined. This inconsistency can leave you questioning your worth and the sincerity of their affections. As they shift their focus, you may find yourself constantly trying to earn their attention.
5. Sudden Withdrawals
You might notice they become distant and unavailable without any explanation. These withdrawals can happen suddenly, leaving you feeling abandoned and confused. It creates a cycle of worry and anticipation about their next move.
6. Changing Plans Last Minute
Narcissists often cancel or alter plans at the last minute, disregarding your time and feelings. This behaviour can make you feel unimportant and leads to frustration. It also sets a precedent for unpredictability in your interactions, leaving you unsure of what to expect.
7. Inconsistent Communication
You may find them overly communicative one day and completely silent the next. This erratic pattern can leave you feeling anxious, as you constantly wonder why they are suddenly disengaged. Such behaviour can also create emotional whiplash, as you try to adapt to their changing moods.
8. On and Off Commitments
Commitment levels can fluctuate dramatically, where one day they are fully invested, and the next, they are pulling back. This inconsistency makes it challenging to build a stable relationship. You may feel like you are walking on eggshells, trying to maintain their interest.
9. Love Bombing to Silent Treatment
Narcissists can switch from overwhelming affection to the silent treatment in an instant. This pattern creates emotional highs and lows that can be exhausting. It keeps you in a state of confusion, wondering what you did wrong to receive their coldness.
10. Changing Boundaries
They might enforce strict boundaries one day and violate them the next. This inconsistency can leave you unsure of what is acceptable behaviour. Over time, this can erode your sense of self and your ability to assert your needs.
11. Erratic Jealousy
Their jealousy can be intense one moment and completely absent the next. This unpredictability can make you feel like you’re walking a tightrope, as you try to navigate their emotional responses. It can lead to a lack of trust and increased tension in the relationship.
12. Random Acts of Kindness
You may experience unexpected gestures of kindness after periods of neglect. While these acts may seem genuine, they often serve to confuse and manipulate. It’s a way for them to regain control and keep you emotionally invested.
13. Contradicting Promises
They may make promises one day and conveniently forget them the next. This inconsistency breeds disappointment and frustration, as you find it hard to rely on their words. It also creates a sense of instability in your relationship.
14. Varying Levels of Attention
Their attention can fluctuate, where one day they are engaged and the next, they seem indifferent. This behaviour can lead to feelings of unworthiness and insecurity. It keeps you second-guessing whether you are valued in the relationship.
15. Inconsistent Criticism
Narcissists may criticise you harshly one day and offer compliments the next. This unpredictable behaviour can be disorienting and damaging to your self-esteem. It creates a toxic cycle where you are constantly seeking validation.
16. Sudden Shifts in Blame
You may notice they blame you for problems one day and take responsibility the next. This inconsistency can make it hard to understand their perspective. It leads to confusion about who is at fault in various situations.
17. Inconsistent Apologies
They may apologise profusely for their behaviour, only to repeat the same harmful actions shortly after. This pattern can erode your trust and belief in their sincerity. Over time, it can leave you feeling frustrated and powerless.
18. Sudden Affection After Conflict
Following a disagreement, they may suddenly become overly affectionate, as if to erase the conflict. This behaviour can make you question the authenticity of their feelings. It creates a cycle of emotional manipulation that can be hard to break.
19. Shifting Goals
You may find their aspirations for the relationship change frequently, leaving you confused about the future. One day they express a strong commitment, and the next, they seem uncertain. This unpredictability can make it challenging to plan your life together.
20. Frequent Breakup Threats
They might frequently threaten to end the relationship, creating a sense of instability. These threats can be used as a manipulation tactic to regain control. It keeps you in a state of anxiety and fear about the relationship’s future.
21. Changing Personality
You may notice they behave differently around you compared to how they act with others. This inconsistency can create feelings of alienation and confusion. You may find yourself questioning which version of them is the real one.
22. Shifting Compliments
One day, they may praise your achievements, and the next, they belittle the same efforts. This behaviour can leave you feeling devalued and insecure. It fosters a toxic environment where your self-worth is constantly under attack.
23. Inconsistent Social Engagement
You may feel included in social events one day, only to be excluded the next. This unpredictability can leave you feeling isolated and rejected. It can also create tension and confusion about your place in their life.
24. Changing Rules
They may establish certain expectations in the relationship, only to change them without notice. This inconsistency can make it challenging to meet their standards. It often results in feelings of frustration and inadequacy.
25. Erratic Emotional Reactions
Their emotional responses to the same situation can vary significantly, making it hard to predict their behaviour. You may find yourself constantly adapting to their mood swings. This unpredictability creates a sense of instability in your interactions.
26. Frequent Declarations of Love
They might declare their love and commitment one day, only to act disinterested the next. This behaviour can leave you feeling confused about their true feelings. It creates emotional turbulence that can be damaging to your mental health.
27. Sudden Lack of Interest in Important Dates
They may remember significant anniversaries one year and completely ignore them the next. This inconsistency can lead to feelings of disappointment and neglect. It underscores the unpredictability of their affection.
28. Erratic Relationship Status
Their stance on your relationship can fluctuate dramatically, keeping you in a constant state of uncertainty. One day they might express long-term commitment, while the next, they seem indifferent. This unpredictability creates an unstable foundation for your relationship.
29. Variable Reactions to Your Success
You may find that their reactions to your achievements vary widely. One day they are proud of your accomplishments, and the next, they may downplay or dismiss them. This inconsistency can lead to feelings of unworthiness and doubt about your abilities.
30. Sudden Withdrawals of Support
They may offer enthusiastic support for your goals one day, only to undermine them the next. This behaviour can leave you feeling confused and discouraged. It creates an environment where you cannot rely on their encouragement.
31. Unpredictable Financial Behaviour
They may be generous with money at times and then become resentful or critical of your spending. This inconsistency can create financial tension in the relationship. It often leads to feelings of anxiety and instability.
32. Shifting Levels of Care in Arguments
Their care for resolving conflicts can vary significantly from one situation to another. Sometimes they are invested in finding a solution, and other times they seem indifferent. This inconsistency can leave you feeling unsupported during difficult times.
33. Changing Attitude Towards Family and Friends
You may notice they switch between being friendly and dismissive towards your loved ones. This erratic behaviour can create strain in your relationships outside of the romantic connection. It may also leave you feeling isolated from your support system.
34. Erratic Emotional Shutdowns
Narcissists may be emotionally open one moment and completely shut down the next. This unpredictability can be distressing, as you never know how they will react. It often leads to feelings of rejection and frustration.
35. Inconsistent Deflection of Responsibility (No Accountability Card 35)
They may evade responsibility for their actions at times while taking the blame at others. This behaviour creates confusion and uncertainty about who is truly at fault. It can also lead to increased feelings of guilt and self-doubt.
36. Sudden Changes in Loyalty (Flying Monkeys Card 8)
You might experience their loyalty shifting based on outside opinions. One day they are firmly on your side, and the next, they are influenced by others’ negativity. This unpredictability can leave you feeling unsupported and alone.
37. Inconsistent Generosity
You may notice their generosity fluctuating, where one day they are thoughtful and giving, and the next, they are stingy or critical. This erratic behaviour can create feelings of confusion and disappointment. It makes it hard to know what to expect from them.
38. Sudden Changes in Intimacy
Their levels of emotional or physical intimacy can vary wildly, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and confused. One day they may be affectionate, while the next, they are distant. This inconsistency can lead to feelings of rejection and insecurity.
39. Sudden Changes in Future Plans
They might make elaborate plans for the future one day and act as if those plans never existed the next. This inconsistency creates uncertainty and confusion about the direction of your relationship. It can leave you feeling disoriented and anxious.
40. Erratic Apologies
You may find that their apologies come without any genuine intention to change. They might apologise one day but revert to the same hurtful behaviours soon after. This pattern can erode trust and create a sense of futility in the relationship.
41. Varying Reactions to Boundaries
They may respect your boundaries on certain occasions, only to disregard them entirely on others. This inconsistency can leave you feeling disrespected and vulnerable. It creates a confusing environment where you struggle to assert your needs.
42. Unpredictable Emotional Availability
Their emotional availability can shift dramatically, where they may be present and supportive one day and completely unavailable the next. This pattern can lead to feelings of abandonment and insecurity. It can make you question whether they truly care about you.
43. Sudden Engagement with Others
They may become highly social and engaged one moment and then retreat into isolation the next. This unpredictable behaviour can leave you feeling confused and rejected. It can also create an environment of uncertainty around your relationship.
44. Changing Levels of Care in Arguments
Their investment in resolving conflicts can be highly variable, leading to frustration. Sometimes they may show a deep desire to work through issues, while other times, they may be dismissive of your feelings. This inconsistency can lead to emotional exhaustion.
45. Frequent Emotional Shutdowns
Narcissists often shut down emotionally without warning, leaving you feeling abandoned. Their sudden disengagement can be jarring, especially after moments of closeness. This behaviour fosters an unstable emotional environment.
46. Inconsistent Deflection of Responsibility (No Accountability Card 35)
They may shift blame easily, making it hard to determine accountability in the relationship. You might feel gaslit, unsure of whether the issue was your fault or theirs. This creates confusion and frustration in resolving conflicts.
47. Variable Responses to Your Emotions
Their reactions to your feelings can vary significantly, leaving you feeling unsupported. One day they might validate your emotions, and the next, they may belittle them. This inconsistency can make it challenging to communicate openly.
48. Shifting Responses to Affection
You might notice they respond to your affection differently each time. One moment they may reciprocate, while the next, they may withdraw. This unpredictability can lead to feelings of inadequacy and confusion about your relationship.
49. Changing Attitude Towards Family and Friends
You may notice their attitude towards your loved ones fluctuating between warm and cold. This erratic behaviour can create tension in your social circles and may alienate you from your support system. It fosters a sense of instability in your relationships outside the romantic connection.
50. Frequent Conflict Over Minor Issues
You may find that they often create conflict over small, insignificant matters, only to be unfazed by major issues. This erratic behaviour can leave you feeling frustrated and confused. It creates an environment where you never know what will set them off.
51. Sudden Declarations of Discontent
They might express dissatisfaction with the relationship suddenly, often without clear reasoning. This unpredictability can create anxiety about the relationship’s stability. It may lead you to question your role in the relationship.
52. Unpredictable Emotional Availability
Their emotional availability may vary, leaving you feeling confused about your connection. One day they may be open and affectionate, while the next, they are closed off. This inconsistency can create feelings of insecurity and doubt.
Recognising these red flags can empower you to take control of your emotional health. Understanding these behaviours is the first step towards reclaiming your sense of self and establishing healthier boundaries in your relationships. By identifying these patterns, you can navigate your path toward healing and find a supportive environment that nurtures your well-being.
5 Ways to Protect Yourself from Inconsistent Behaviour
If you recognise inconsistent behaviour in your relationship, it’s crucial to take steps to protect yourself.
Here are some strategies to consider:
Set Clear Boundaries (Card 12): Establish clear boundaries around acceptable behaviour. Communicate these boundaries to the narcissist and stick to them, even when they try to test your limits.
Limit Contact (Card 14): If possible, limit the amount of contact you have with the narcissist. Reducing their influence in your life will give you the space to regain emotional clarity.
Rebuild Trust in Yourself (Card 17): Narcissists erode your self-trust by making you question your own judgement. Start small by trusting yourself in everyday decisions and gradually rebuild your confidence.
Self-Compassion (Card 18): Be kind to yourself as you navigate the confusion and emotional turmoil caused by inconsistent behaviour. Self-compassion is a vital part of the healing process.
Acknowledge the Pain (Card 21): Don’t suppress the emotional pain caused by narcissistic manipulation. Acknowledging and processing your emotions is a crucial step towards healing.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Power
Below are some healing resources (card decks) I’ve created that may help you on your healing journey:
- Surviving Narcissism Card Deck
- Blissful Breathing Card Deck
- Chair Yoga Card Deck
- 101 Mini Yoga Cards
- Pilates Matwork Card Deck
Recognising inconsistent behaviour is the first step towards reclaiming your power. Once you’re aware of this red flag, you can take steps to protect yourself and begin the process of healing. This journey may take time, but you don’t have to go through it alone.
There are many resources that can support your recovery. For example, using mindfulness practices from the Blissful Breathing Card Deck or gentle movement routines from the Chair Yoga Card Deck can help ground you during stressful moments. If you’re a Pilates enthusiast, the Pilates Matwork Card Deck offer structured routines to reconnect with your body and restore balance.
Remember, inconsistent behaviour is a deliberate tactic used by narcissists to keep you emotionally unsteady. By recognising this red flag, setting boundaries, and prioritising self-care, you can break free from the cycle and begin to heal. You deserve consistency, respect, and love — from both yourself and those around you.
If you want to explore these and other strategies in-depth, I encourage you to check out the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck for guidance on your journey.
Here’s a look at the full deck:
Narcissist Mind Games (10 Cards)
- Gaslighting
- Triangulation
- Love-Bombing
- Silent Treatment
- Projection
- Blame Shifting
- Future Faking
- Flying Monkeys
- Smear Campaigns
- Hoovering
Self-Care & Boundaries (10 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Time
- Set Clear Boundaries
- No Is a Complete Sentence
- Limit Contact
- Practice Mindfulness
- Healthy Detachment
- Rebuild Trust in Yourself
- Self-Compassion
- Guard Your Energy
- Disconnect Digitally
Healing from Trauma (10 Cards)
- Acknowledge the Pain
- Journal Your Journey
- Practice Gratitude
- Release the Guilt
- Therapy Is Strength
- Feel to Heal
- Reconnect with Your Body
- Affirm Your Worth
- Focus on the Present
- Time Heals
Recognising Red Flags (8 Cards)
- Lack of Empathy
- Extreme Charm
- Need for Control
- Quick Intimacy
- No Accountability
- Inconsistent Behaviour
- Lack of Boundaries
- Isolating You
Empowerment & Rebuilding (8 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Power
- Find Your Voice
- Celebrate Small Wins
- Visualise Your Future
- Rebuild Your Identity
- Surround Yourself with Positivity
- Redefine Your Worth
- Embrace Freedom
Support Systems & Moving Forward (6 Cards)
- Find Your Tribe
- Share Your Story
- Healthy Relationships Exist
- No Contact Is Power
- Stay Educated
- Forgive Yourself First
Click here to explore the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck in full and take the first step in your healing journey.
By George Watts
