If you think you were raised by a narcissistic parent here are some warning signs to look for:

1. 99% of the conversation is about themselves (their favourite)
2. Immature behaviour
3. Selfish behaviour
4. Brags about your achievements to others, but almost never supports you emotionally
5. Constantly blames others for problems that stem from their behaviour
6. Well-liked and/or important to others, but controlling and manipulative when no one is looking
7. Makes you feel bad for not doing what they want immediately
8. Makes you feel guilty by boasting about how much they have done for you
9. Ruthless  – doing anything to be and stay on top
10. Unforgiving
11. Makes you feel anxious
12. Sabotages your confidence

Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder: 

1. 99% of the conversation is about themselves (their favourite)
2. Immature behaviour
3. Selfish behaviour
4. Brags about your achievements to others, but almost never supports you emotionally
5. Constantly blames others for problems that stem from their behaviour
6. Well-liked and/or important to others, but controlling and manipulative when no one is looking
7. Makes you feel bad for not doing what they want immediately
8. Makes you feel guilty by boasting about how much they have done for you
9. Ruthless  – doing anything to be and stay on top
10. Unforgiving
11. Makes you feel anxious
12. Sabotages your confidence

1. Guilt 
Adult children of narcissistic parents fear that they will hurt someone else by choosing to do what’s right for them. They have been trained to consider their parent’s needs first and foremost, and it is therefore hard for them to consider their own needs without feeling selfish for doing so. This guilt and indecision can be all-consuming for years.

2. Low Self-esteem
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which the parent will covertly sow seeds of doubt in their child, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement. A classic example is when the narcissist blatantly lies so that you’re not sure in the future what is true and what is not. Another classic narcissist ruse is when the parent denies an experience from the past ever took place, invalidating the child’s feelings about the event.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave the adult child feeling that they have very little to offer, even when the contrary may be true. Growing up, their talents and skills may have been downplayed, ignored, or co-opted by the narcissistic parent who will have felt threatened by their child’s skills. Even when a survivor of narcissism experiences success, they can feel that they don’t deserve it which may give rise to impostor syndrome.

3. Get Into Other Relationships With Narcissists 
Even after growing up amid lies, manipulation, and abuse, it can be really difficult for adult children of narcissists to step away from caring for and loving a narcissistic parent. They will likely feel guilt for trying to step away or build boundaries, and may even enter into relationships with partners who show narcissistic traits. Love based on manipulations and conditions is something that is known to them, whereas unconditional love might seem daunting. 

4. Compassion For Others
Most adult children of narcissistic parents display a great ability to show compassion and love for others, are able to form loving relationships, and learn to love and care for themselves. It is possible to recover from growing up with a narcissistic parent.

5. Self-Blame
A narcissistic parent is always emotionally tone-deaf, and are constantly preoccupied with themselves to be aware of the emotional needs of their child. In order to try to maintain the family unit, the child (even as an adult) shies away from blaming their parent and instead takes all the blame on themselves. The mantra going on inside their heads is: “If I was better at XYZ my dad/mum would love me.” 

This can continue into adulthood, where the adult child continues to take the blame for things that aren’t always their fault. They become the scapegoat in many situations to keep the peace.

6. Fear Taking Any Attention Away From The Narcissist
Narcissistic parents can explode into anger or burst into tears without much warning, which forces their children to take up as little space as possible in order to avoid triggering one of these emotional outbursts (and also fearing taking any attention away from the narcissist in the process). It can feel like walking on eggshells – trying to do everything possible to avoid their parent having a meltdown.

7. Insecure Attachment To The Narcissist Parent 
Adult children of narcissists are prone to become insecurely attached to their parent, which prevents them from a healthy exploration of their environment. My brother is four years older than me. When I was 18 and was contemplating going to University in America (I lived in the UK) he told me: “Great idea. Get as far away from him (our narcissist parent) as you can.” Thankfully, I took his advice but was made to feel guilty every time I called or returned in the Summer months to visit. 

The neglect, manipulation, or emotional absence of a parent can leave their child questioning how safe they will be able to feel in other people’s hands. This leads some adults to become fiercely independent, not trusting that anyone else can be relied upon. It can, however, lead others to cling to their partners for love and demand the attention of their significant other at all times.

These are the key personality ingredients that you need in order to break free from a narcissist…

Personality Ingredient 1
Determination Not To Go Straight Into Anger Mode

Going straight into anger mode is exactly what the narcissist wants you to do. When you go into ‘high anger’ you play directly into their hands because now you’re going to make yourself look foolish, and they can say something like: “See, that’s why you need to listen to me.” 

Anger is your self-preservation emotion, so there are times when it is legitimate to speak up for yourself but in a case like this your mindset must be: “I don’t want to waste my emotional energy on somebody who is going to shoot it down anyway.” Always maintain a steady, calm mindset when interacting with a narcissist. 

Personality Ingredient 2
Confidence In Yourself & Your Intensions

Do you believe that you’re a decent person? Do you believe as you engage with your world, whatever it is the narcissist is invalidating you over, do you know that you have good intentions and that you’re a decent person? You don’t need to tell the narcissist that, but you just know it within yourself. 

Personality Ingredient 3
Lack Of Shock Of the Narcissist’s Need For Control 

When you get into the flustered, agitated, intense reaction to the narcissist it’s as if you wanting to say: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.” Stop acting shocked. How many times have they tried to control you? Think about that. It’s probably hundreds of times throughout your entire life! Stop acting shocked. It’s a terrible strategy for dealing with a narcissist. 

Personality Ingredient 4
Spot The Power Play And Refuse To React 

Spot the power play and refuse to react. Ask yourself: “Is my goal with this person to establish power?” No, it isn’t, but it is their goal. They crave having power over you. But that isn’t your goal (unless you’re a narcissist). Instead of establishing power, you want to establish decency, respect, dignity, honour, and civility. Those kinds of values are what you want to establish as a healthy human being…not power.  Don’t ever play the power game with a narcissist. 

Personality Ingredient 5
I’m Not Able To Change This Person 

You want to acknowledge within yourself: “I’m not able to change this person and I don’t feel the need to waste my time trying to do so. What I can do is focus on who I am…me being a healthy me.”

Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent will have organized their whole life and personality around the happiness of their parent, and will then grow up organizing their life around the happiness of others – many of them working in the helping profession.

Yes. Narcissists love nothing more than living vicariously through their children. For example, my brother was a top-ranked professional golfer. Our narcissist parent basked in the glow of his success because it made him look great to strangers. Those of us on the inside (close family members) knew very well that any “help” that was given to my brother was purely to inflate the narcissist’s grandiose sense of self.  To this day my brother and family members are constantly reminded of all the help and sacrifice given by the narcissist. It’s like listening to a broken record. Narcissists constantly embellish and exaggerate the help they give. They do this to fish for admiration. 

If you think differently or interpret something differently to a narcissist, they will take offence to it. If you don’t think and act like them, they will be threatened by you. It’s because the narcissist has no empathy. They simply don’t ever see life from another person’s perspective – getting psychologically into someone else’s shoes is a no-no for a narcissist. They have zero curiosity about you and how you feel. If you dare to be different in any way from a narcissist, it means they are no longer the centre of the Universe which is a psychological death for them. 

If you think differently or interpret something differently to a narcissist, they will take offence to it, and it will turn into an adversarial interaction very unnecessarily. They are experts at turning any issue into a “right or wrong” mentality. They crave being correct and superior at all times. They have no capacity to collaborate. That is why a narcissist can’t help but see enemies everywhere they look. If you’re not willing to be an exact clone of them, then you are an enemy. Don’t be drawn into the fight with them! That’s exactly what they want you to do. You’ll never win a fight with a narcissist. You will always be wrong. They are empty people and the way they temporarily fill that void is by fighting, moodiness, tantrums, and petty arguments. 

Narcissists go so deep into their alternate reality that when you come along and say: “Let us think things through a bit differently,” they will say: “No, my mind is already made up, and if there’s a problem between you and me then you’re the problem.” They go deep into blame, accusing and forceful mode if you dare to think and act differently from them. Your differences will trigger their exploitation, manipulation and control mode. 

Yes. Instead of looking at relationships as a collaborative (equal to equal) engagement, a narcissist looks at relationships as a hierarchy. They think of “who is above” and “who is below” in this relationship. And you’ve guessed it, they want to be “above”. They always want to be the top dog. They don’t value differences and uniqueness. They value power and control over others. 

No. Unless you become a clone of them, but that isn’t friendship.  That’s an unhealthy co-dependency. They simply don’t know how to be friends. Friends have the mindset of bringing their pluses and minuses to the equation and figure out how to accept, encourage, and accommodate one another in a healthy uplifting way. That kind of thinking is lost on a narcissist. They have a long history of people not liking them (except for strangers who they go all out to impress), and they’re constantly trying to rationalise as to why it can’t possibly be a reflection on them. That means they miss out on the steps needed to build friendships. They much prefer collecting enemies versus friendships. This is, of course, all subconscious. They won’t be aware that they sabotage friendships. 

Most psychologists would say approximately 10% of the population are narcissistic. 

The four main types of narcissism are: grandiose, covert, malignant and communal. 

The four main types of narcissism are: grandiose,  covert, malignant and communal. The classical narcissist is the “grandiose” type. They are known to be very egotistical, arrogant, attention-seeking, and validation-seeking. They want you to admire their lovely house, car and possessions. And most of all they don’t bother listening to anyone. The only person that matters in the room is themselves. They are the universe and everyone else must revolve around their whims, desires, and needs. 

The four main types of narcissism are: grandiose, covert, malignant and communal. The malignant narcissist is all the things a grandiose narcissist is (lacking empathy, entitled, grandiose, and pompous) but they are also really mean. They will do really bad things and feel little to no guilt, which puts them almost on the psychopathic spectrum. They constantly lie, cheat, and steal. They are your Bernie Madoff types ( Bernie was an American fraudster and financier who ran the largest Ponzi scheme in history, worth about $64 billion). They are criminals. 

The four main types of narcissism are: grandiose, covert, malignant and communal.

The covert narcissist is someone who is very put upon by the world (underachievers), but are still grandiose. They might say something like: “I’m a really great painter, but the world never really recognised my greatness.”

They feel like life did them wrong. They can be very passive-aggressive. They can come across as depressed, but they aren’t. No amount of medication will make them feel better.

They will always have the mindset of “Woe is me. Nobody sees how great I am.” They will always be hypersensitive to criticism. They will always be mad at the world. They will always blame the world for their situation. They will always feel like the victim. They will never take ownership of their actions. 

The four main types of narcissism are: grandiose, covert, malignant and communal.

The communal narcissist is someone who says things like: “I’m off to feed the homeless today” (while they are dressed in expensive clothing). Or they may say: “It’s dog rescue day on Thursday.” They are always trying to save the world. They go to lots of events, but they need a lot of recognition. They love nothing better than having a building named after them. They walk around saying: “Look at all the amazing good I do for the world“. They constantly let others know about their goodness and giving nature. They actually have zero empathy for the people they are trying to help. All they want is recognition and validation for all their good work. They wouldn’t dream of ever “doing good quietly”. They will inform as many people as possible about their good deeds. 

Yes. Narcissism is much more prevalent in men. The ratio is 80/20 (80% men, 20% women). Part of the reason for this disparity is because men aren’t taught to show their emotions when growing up. Emotions aren’t widely valued for boys and that sets up a life path lacking in empathy, compassion, and vulnerability. Men are also measured on their achievements: making lots of money, having a big title, and having a big house. These are all superficial drives and are the ingredients for creating a narcissist. 

Yes. They may buy everyone big expensive meals, and them on big vacations to create an illusion that there are lots of people around them. Those people wouldn’t be around just on the basis of how the narcissist treats them. If the narcissist didn’t buy the meals and holidays, the people around him/her wouldn’t be around for long…and the narcissist is very aware of that. 

Narcissists will try to control you with phrases like:  

“You have to…”

“You must…”

“You should…” 

“You’re supposed to…”

“You better do it this way…”

“You can’t…” 

“You’ve got to…”

When a narcissist realises you refuse to be controlled, those phrases will no longer bother you. 

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that is very common amongst narcissists.  It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.

The term “gaslighting” comes from a play and subsequent movie called “Gaslight.” In the movie, the devious husband, played by Charles Boyer, manipulates and torments his wife Paula, played by Ingrid Bergman, to convince her she’s going mad.  Paula begins to notice strange goings-on: missing pictures, strange footsteps in the night and gaslights that dim without being touched. As she fights to retain her sanity, her new husband’s intentions come into question.

Gaslighting, whether intentional or not, is a form of manipulation. Gaslighting can happen in many types of relationships, including those with couples, bosses, friends, and parents. 

Friendly, emotionally healthy people have strong empathy skills. 

Narcissists can give the impression that they might have empathy but it is false empathy called narcissistic mirroring where they reflect back what you’re saying to them but they don’t go inside themselves to understand you. You want to be sure that you see the narcissistic mirroring for what it is and recognise that it’s just another tool the narcissist uses to manipulate you.