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Narcissist Mind Games
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This is card 7 of 52 of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck
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When you’re entangled in a relationship with a narcissist, promises of a beautiful future may seem like a beacon of hope, but more often than not, these promises remain empty. This manipulation tactic is known as “future faking.” It’s a classic move that keeps you hooked on the possibility of things getting better, even though they rarely do.
This blog post explores “Future Faking,” which is card seven of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck, a tool I designed to help people understand, recover, and grow from narcissistic abuse. If you haven’t yet, you can get the full deck here – each card dives deep into the various manipulations and healing strategies to guide your recovery.
What is Future Faking?
Future faking is when a narcissist makes grand promises about the future to manipulate and control you in the present. They paint an idyllic picture of what’s to come, knowing that those promises will never materialise. It could be promises about marriage, children, financial stability, or any form of future happiness that seems too good to pass up.
The goal of future faking is to keep you emotionally invested. While you’re focused on the future the narcissist has painted, you ignore or minimise the issues happening in the present. They effectively buy themselves more time to manipulate and control you while avoiding accountability for their current behaviour.
Why Narcissists Use Future Faking
Narcissists use future faking for a variety of reasons, but it generally boils down to control and avoidance of responsibility. By promising you a future together, they can:
- Avoid confrontation: If you’re upset with them in the present, they can shift your focus by saying things like, “But we’re going to get married,” or “We’re planning that trip together,” making you less likely to leave or challenge them.
- Buy time: Promises of future happiness make you more likely to overlook bad behaviour in the moment because you’re holding out for the future.
- Manipulate emotions: They play on your hopes and dreams, knowing that these promises will elicit strong emotional responses, keeping you engaged and invested.
- Control your actions: As long as you believe in the future they’ve promised, you’re less likely to break free from their grip.
The Emotional Impact of Future Faking
Future faking is not just a manipulation of words; it’s a profound emotional trap that can wreak havoc on your mental health.
Here’s how it impacts you:
- Dissociation from reality: You start living in the fantasy of the future rather than acknowledging the dysfunction of the present. This keeps you stuck in a cycle of hoping things will change.
- Self-blame: When those promises don’t come true, the narcissist may blame you, suggesting you didn’t do enough to make the future a reality, making you feel like the failure.
- Increased anxiety: Constantly waiting for a future that never arrives creates anxiety. You’re always on edge, wondering when the good times will come and whether you’re the reason they’re delayed.
- Emotional exhaustion: The cycle of hope and disappointment is draining. Each time the future doesn’t arrive as promised, you’re left feeling emotionally exhausted, yet still holding onto hope.
Examples of Future Faking
Here are 21 examples of future faking, a tactic often used by narcissists to manipulate and control:
- Promising to marry you someday, but never setting a date.
- Talking about buying a house together but never taking any steps toward it.
- Saying they’ll change their toxic behaviour but continuing to act the same.
- Claiming they’ll plan a dream vacation but never following through.
- Telling you they want children but constantly delaying any serious discussions.
- Agreeing to go to therapy but always making excuses not to start.
- Discussing future business ventures that never materialise.
- Saying they’ll introduce you to their family soon but never making arrangements.
- Making long-term financial plans with you but hiding their true financial situation.
- Talking about moving to a new city or country together but never making concrete plans.
- Promising to quit bad habits (e.g., smoking or drinking) in the near future but continuing them.
- Claiming they’ll help more with household chores but never following through.
- Talking about future anniversaries and celebrations, while treating current ones with neglect.
- Saying they want to grow old with you while emotionally distancing themselves in the present.
- Promising a promotion or career change but never taking action.
- Discussing plans for future events (like weddings or reunions) without making real-time commitments.
- Saying they’ll take responsibility for financial issues “soon” but continuing to create more debt.
- Claiming they’ll make time for you but consistently canceling plans at the last minute.
- Promising to move in together without ever taking actual steps toward it.
- Talking about building a future together while actively sabotaging current progress.
- Saying they’ll eventually open up emotionally but continuing to keep walls up.
These examples show how future faking keeps victims trapped in a cycle of false hope, delaying their ability to see the truth and move on.
Signs You’re Being Future Faked
Here are some common signs you’re dealing with future faking:
- Promises never come to fruition: You’re always waiting for a future that never happens. Excuses and delays are constant.
- Grand gestures with no follow-through: They talk about huge life plans but never take real steps to achieve them.
- Focus on the future, not the present: They avoid discussing present problems by constantly redirecting conversations to future promises.
- You feel anxious and confused: The constant waiting and lack of clarity leave you feeling unsure of where the relationship stands.
- You’re blamed for the delays: When things don’t happen as promised, the narcissist shifts the blame onto you, suggesting that your behaviour is the reason for the delays.
How to Break Free from Future Faking
Understanding future faking is the first step to breaking free from its hold.
Here are some strategies to regain control and protect yourself:
1. Live in the Present
Recognise the reality of your current situation, rather than the promises of a better future. Are they making real efforts to change, or are their words just a distraction?
2. Hold Them Accountable
Challenge them on their promises. Ask for concrete actions and timelines. If they get defensive or shift the blame, that’s a red flag.
3. Set Boundaries
Make it clear that you won’t tolerate empty promises. Let them know that actions speak louder than words, and if they don’t follow through, you will reassess the relationship.
4. Listen to Your Gut
If something feels off, trust your intuition. Narcissists are skilled at making you doubt yourself, but your gut feelings are often a signal that something isn’t right.
5. Focus on Your Own Future
Instead of waiting for the future they’ve promised, start focusing on your own future. What do you want for yourself? How can you achieve your goals without relying on them?
6. Seek Support
Future faking can leave you feeling isolated and confused. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide an objective perspective and help you navigate your emotions.
7. Detach Emotionally
If you notice future faking, begin to emotionally detach from the narcissist. This doesn’t mean cutting off all emotions, but rather not letting their promises dictate your feelings or actions.
8. Practice Self-Care
Narcissistic abuse can take a toll on your emotional well-being. Make sure to prioritise self-care, whether that’s through exercise, mindfulness, or creative outlets.
Conclusion
As someone who has lived through narcissistic abuse, future faking was one of the most confusing tactics I encountered. There were so many promises about how things would be “better soon,” and for a long time, I held onto those words, believing in the potential of what was promised. It wasn’t until I started seeing a pattern—how none of the promises ever came to fruition—that I realised this was a deliberate manipulation tactic.
The hardest part was reconciling the hope I had for the future with the reality of the present. But the moment I accepted that the future they promised was never coming, I started to reclaim my life and my power. Creating the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck has been a therapeutic way for me to process and make sense of my experience. I hope it helps you do the same.
Card seven of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck, Future Faking, is just one of the many tools designed to help you regain control and protect yourself from narcissistic manipulation.
If you found this discussion on future faking eye-opening, I encourage you to explore the entire Surviving Narcissism Card Deck, which includes 52 cards, each addressing different aspects of narcissistic abuse and recovery.
Here’s a look at the full deck:
Narcissist Mind Games (10 Cards)
- Gaslighting
- Triangulation
- Love-Bombing
- Silent Treatment
- Projection
- Blame Shifting
- Future Faking
- Flying Monkeys
- Smear Campaigns
- Hoovering
Self-Care & Boundaries (10 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Time
- Set Clear Boundaries
- No Is a Complete Sentence
- Limit Contact
- Practice Mindfulness
- Healthy Detachment
- Rebuild Trust in Yourself
- Self-Compassion
- Guard Your Energy
- Disconnect Digitally
Healing from Trauma (10 Cards)
- Acknowledge the Pain
- Journal Your Journey
- Practice Gratitude
- Release the Guilt
- Therapy Is Strength
- Feel to Heal
- Reconnect with Your Body
- Affirm Your Worth
- Focus on the Present
- Time Heals
Recognising Red Flags (8 Cards)
- Lack of Empathy
- Extreme Charm
- Need for Control
- Quick Intimacy
- No Accountability
- Inconsistent Behaviour
- Lack of Boundaries
- Isolating You
Empowerment & Rebuilding (8 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Power
- Find Your Voice
- Celebrate Small Wins
- Visualise Your Future
- Rebuild Your Identity
- Surround Yourself with Positivity
- Redefine Your Worth
- Embrace Freedom
Support Systems & Moving Forward (6 Cards)
- Find Your Tribe
- Share Your Story
- Healthy Relationships Exist
- No Contact Is Power
- Stay Educated
- Forgive Yourself First
Click here to explore the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck in full and take the first step in your healing journey.
By George Watts
