Skip to content
Card Category
Recognising Red Flag
Card Number
This is card 33 of 52 of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck
Card Overview
Welcome to Card 33 of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck. In this post, we’ll explore one of the most common yet insidious red flags of narcissistic behaviour: the need for control.
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist or are currently navigating one, you may have noticed the subtle (and sometimes overt) ways they manipulate situations, relationships, and even your perceptions to maintain dominance. The need for control is at the core of narcissistic abuse, making it essential to recognise and address it for your emotional well-being.
If you haven’t yet, you can get the full Surviving Narcissism Card Deck here – each card dives deep into the various manipulations and healing strategies to guide your recovery.
Table Of Contents
The Need for Control: A Defining Trait of Narcissists
The need for control is deeply embedded in narcissistic behaviour.
It often starts subtly—perhaps with seemingly minor suggestions about how you should behave, dress, or spend your time. As the relationship progresses, however, this “guidance” turns into an expectation, and before you know it, you’re making decisions based on how they’ll react. Their ultimate goal is to make you dependent on them, ensuring they remain at the centre of your life.
This need for control can manifest in several ways:
Controlling Your Time and Social Life: As we discussed in Card 11 (Reclaim Your Time), narcissists often try to monopolise your time and isolate you from others. By controlling who you spend time with, they ensure that your focus remains on them, and they minimise outside influences that could challenge their dominance.
Gaslighting: As covered in Card 1 (Gaslighting), this manipulation technique involves making you doubt your perception of reality. By distorting your experiences, a narcissist gains control over how you think and feel, ensuring that you rely on them for validation and truth.
Silent Treatment: The silent treatment, as discussed in Card 4 (Silent Treatment), is a common control tactic. When a narcissist feels that they’re losing control, they may cut off communication to punish you or regain power. This method of manipulation keeps you guessing and anxious, putting them back in control.
Understanding these tactics and how they relate to a narcissist’s need for control is critical for anyone trying to escape or heal from narcissistic abuse.
Control Through Coercion and Manipulation
A narcissist’s need for control often extends beyond overt actions. They use emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and coercion to control how you feel and behave.
Here are some examples of how this plays out:
Love-Bombing: As explored in Card 3 (Love-Bombing), a narcissist may shower you with affection and attention in the beginning stages of a relationship. This overwhelming display of love is a manipulation technique designed to make you emotionally dependent on them. Once they’ve secured your attachment, they begin to withdraw that affection as a form of control.
Blame Shifting: Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions, as we discussed in Card 6 (Blame Shifting). When something goes wrong, they find ways to turn the blame back onto you, making you question your role in their mistakes. This tactic not only controls the narrative but also keeps you on the defensive.
Triangulation: In Card 2 (Triangulation), we examined how narcissists use other people to manipulate and control you. By introducing a third person into the dynamic, they create jealousy, competition, and tension, ensuring that they remain at the centre of your emotional world.
Hoovering: After a period of separation or discord, a narcissist may engage in Hoovering, as discussed in Card 10 (Hoovering). This involves pulling you back into their orbit with false promises or sudden bursts of affection. Hoovering is about control—they want to ensure that you never fully escape their grasp.
Control in Relationships: The Impact on You
The need for control in a narcissistic relationship can have profound psychological effects on the person being controlled. Over time, you may start to lose your sense of identity, as your thoughts, emotions, and actions become dictated by their needs and desires. This erosion of self is one of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic abuse.
The Impact On You:
Loss of Autonomy: In relationships with narcissists, you might feel as though your ability to make independent decisions has diminished. You start to second-guess yourself and make choices based on how they might react, rather than what’s best for you.
Emotional Exhaustion: The constant manipulation and control can leave you emotionally drained. This is often discussed in Card 19 (Guard Your Energy), where protecting your emotional energy is essential to breaking free from narcissistic control. The need to stay vigilant around a narcissist, anticipating their next move or outburst, leaves little room for self-care and emotional recovery.
Physical Manifestations: Narcissistic control can also affect your physical health. Chronic stress, anxiety, and a sense of helplessness may lead to issues such as insomnia, fatigue, or other health problems. The connection between mind and body is important, and this is something we also touch on in Card 27 (Reconnect with Your Body), which encourages reconnecting with yourself to heal.
52 Subtle Ways Narcissists Control: Spotting the Quiet Manipulations
52 Subtle Ways Narcissists Control:
Gaslighting (card 1)
“You’re remembering that wrong.” A narcissist makes you doubt your own memory or perception of reality.Love-Bombing (card 3)
“I’ve never felt this way before.” Showering you with excessive affection early on to gain emotional control.Triangulation (card 2)
“Even your friend agrees with me.” They bring in a third party to manipulate and create jealousy or competition.Silent Treatment (card 4)
They suddenly stop speaking to you. Using silence to punish or make you feel desperate for their attention.Blame Shifting (card 6)
“This is all your fault.” They refuse responsibility by making you feel responsible for their behaviour.Playing the Victim
“You’re always attacking me.” They twist situations to make themselves appear victimised, controlling how others view the situation.Future Faking (card 7)
“We’ll get married next year.” They make empty promises about the future to keep you invested in the relationship.Guilt-Tripping (card 24)
“I thought you loved me.” Using guilt to manipulate your actions or decisions in their favour.Subtle Criticism
“Are you sure you want to wear that?” They undermine your confidence with backhanded compliments or passive-aggressive comments.Hoovering (card 10)
“I miss you so much.” After a breakup, they reel you back in with emotional appeals to regain control.Isolation
“Your friends don’t care about you like I do.” They create distance between you and your support network, making you dependent.Weaponised Insecurity
“You’re so sensitive.” They exploit your insecurities to control how you react or feel in situations.Demanding Loyalty
“I’m the only one who truly understands you.” They convince you that your loyalty should always be to them.Sudden Anger
They explode over small things. Using unpredictable anger to keep you walking on eggshells and control your actions.Boundary Pushing
“You’re too rigid.” They pressure you into crossing your own boundaries to test how much they can control you.Emotional Blackmail
“If you leave, I’ll hurt myself.” They use threats to manipulate you into staying or complying with their demands.Rewriting History
“That’s not how it happened.” They twist past events to make themselves look better or shift blame onto you.Sabotaging Your Success
“You’re working too hard, take a break.” They downplay your achievements or subtly discourage you from pursuing goals.Projecting
“You’re so selfish.” Accusing you of the very behaviours they are guilty of, shifting focus away from their flaws.Devaluing Your Accomplishments
“Anyone could have done that.” They minimise your successes, making you feel less capable and more reliant on their validation.Controlling Money
“I’ll handle the finances.” They restrict your access to money, making you financially dependent on them.Excessive Jealousy
“Who were you texting?” They create suspicions about your loyalty, forcing you to constantly prove your devotion.Love Withdrawal
They suddenly stop showing affection. They withhold love or attention to punish you or coerce you into complying.Moving the Goalposts
“That’s not good enough.” They continuously change expectations to make you feel like you’re never enough.Creating Chaos
“I never said that.” They stir confusion and chaos to keep you off-balance and reliant on them for clarity.Micromanaging
“Do it my way.” They control even the smallest details of your life to assert dominance.Subtle Competition
“I could have done it better.” They constantly compare themselves to you, diminishing your accomplishments to elevate their own.Constant Criticism
“You always do it wrong.” Regular, low-grade criticism keeps you feeling inadequate and dependent on their approval.Faking Illness or Weakness
“I’m too sick to handle this.” They manipulate situations by pretending to be more vulnerable than they are to gain sympathy and control.Public Humiliation
They make jokes at your expense in front of others. Using subtle put-downs in social settings to undermine your confidence.Playing Favourites
“Why can’t you be more like them?” They compare you unfavourably to others to make you feel inadequate.Never Apologising
They refuse to admit fault. Narcissists will rarely apologise, as it forces them to admit imperfection.Discrediting Your Opinion
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” They diminish your input, leaving you questioning your thoughts and decisions.Interrupting Conversations
They talk over you. Narcissists often interrupt or dismiss your voice to maintain dominance in conversations.Fake Compassion
“I’m just trying to help.” They mask control with concern, using “help” as a means to manipulate your decisions.Controlling Your Time
“Why do you need so much time alone?” They monopolise your time to prevent you from focusing on yourself or others.Excessive Compliments
“You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.” Narcissists may use extreme flattery early on to make you feel special—and later to make you crave their approval.Weaponising Your Past
“Remember when you failed at that?” They bring up past mistakes or insecurities to control your self-esteem and behaviour.Posing as the Expert
“You wouldn’t understand, let me handle it.” They assert superiority in knowledge or expertise to diminish your confidence.Undermining Your Efforts
“Why are you even bothering with that?” They downplay your goals or plans, making you question whether they are worth pursuing.Creating Dependency
“You need me to help with that.” They subtly make you dependent on them for decisions, finances, or emotional support.Withholding Approval
“You could have done better.” They never fully approve or congratulate you, keeping you striving for their validation.Conditional Love
“I’ll love you if you do this.” Their affection is contingent on you meeting their needs or desires, not unconditional.Using Your Emotions Against You
“You’re overreacting.” They invalidate your emotions to keep you from trusting your feelings and intuition.Stalking or Monitoring
“I was just checking on you.” They “check in” or monitor your activities to maintain control over your whereabouts or behaviour.Spontaneous Favouritism
“You’re my favourite today.” Narcissists switch their affection on and off to keep you guessing and desperate for approval.Stealing Credit
“That was my idea, actually.” They take credit for your ideas or achievements to elevate themselves.Controlling the Narrative
“That’s not what really happened.” They manipulate how others perceive events to maintain control over the story.Twisting Compliments
“You’re so lucky I’m with you.” A “compliment” designed to make you feel grateful or unworthy of them.Emotional Outbursts
They explode without warning. Keeping you on edge with volatile emotions, leaving you unsure of when the next explosion will happen.Feigning Indifference
“I don’t care, do whatever you want.” Pretending not to care to manipulate you into seeking their approval or attention.Overwhelming Generosity
“Look at everything I’ve done for you.” Using extravagant gestures or favours to make you feel indebted to them.
4 Simple Strategies to Break Free from the Control
Recognising the red flags of control is the first step toward reclaiming your freedom. However, it’s not enough to just be aware of these behaviours—you need to actively work to break free from them.
Here are some strategies to help you take back control of your life:
Set Boundaries: We explore the importance of boundaries in Card 12 (Set Clear Boundaries). Once you recognise controlling behaviour, you need to set firm, non-negotiable boundaries. A narcissist may push back against these boundaries, but they are essential for protecting your emotional and psychological well-being.
Limit Contact: Sometimes, limiting or cutting off contact is the best way to regain control of your life. Card 14 (Limit Contact) highlights the importance of distancing yourself from the narcissist, whether that means reducing communication or going no-contact.
Reclaim Your Time: Taking back control of your schedule and social life is another important step. As we discussed in Card 11 (Reclaim Your Time), focusing on activities that bring you joy and fulfilment outside of the narcissist’s influence is crucial for your healing.
Practice Mindfulness: Staying grounded in the present moment is a powerful tool for managing the psychological effects of narcissistic control. Card 15 (Practice Mindfulness) encourages you to cultivate mindfulness practices to help you detach from the manipulative narratives of the narcissist and reconnect with yourself.
Empathy, Self-Compassion, and Healing
As you work to break free from the narcissist’s need for control, it’s essential to cultivate self-compassion and empathy for yourself. Narcissists often erode your sense of self-worth, making it difficult to trust your own emotions and experiences. Rebuilding that trust in yourself is key to healing, as discussed in Card 17 (Rebuild Trust in Yourself).
Affirm Your Worth: Narcissists thrive on diminishing your self-esteem. In Card 28 (Affirm Your Worth), we talk about the importance of affirming your value and reclaiming your sense of self-worth. This involves recognising your strengths and reminding yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect.
Reconnect with Your Body: Physical self-care is just as important as emotional self-care when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Card 27 (Reconnect with Your Body) encourages you to listen to your body’s needs and engage in practices that help you feel grounded, such as yoga or gentle exercise. You might want to explore practices from the Blissful Breathing Card Deck, Chair Yoga Card Deck, 101 Mini Yoga Cards, or Face Yoga Card Deck for guidance on how to reconnect with your body and cultivate inner peace.
52 Ways Narcissists Use Blame-Shifting: The Art of Deflection
Blame-shifting is a classic tactic narcissists use to avoid accountability and keep control over those around them. Rather than accepting responsibility for their actions, they skilfully turn the tables and make you feel at fault. This technique leaves their victims questioning their own reality, sense of self-worth, and perception of events.
Below is a list of 52 ways narcissists employ blame-shifting to manipulate situations and people, keeping themselves free of blame.
“You Made Me Do It”
They blame their behaviour on your actions or emotions.“If You Hadn’t Done That”
They make you believe their actions are a direct response to something you did.“You’re Too Sensitive”
They invalidate your feelings, making you feel responsible for your emotional reactions.“It’s Your Fault I’m Angry”
They claim their anger is your doing, shifting the blame for their emotional outburst.“You Started It”
They accuse you of initiating the conflict, even when it was their behaviour that sparked it.“I Only Lied Because You Can’t Handle the Truth”
They justify dishonesty by blaming you for not being able to accept the truth.“If You Really Loved Me, You Wouldn’t Make Me Do This”
They use your love as leverage, suggesting you’re the cause of their toxic actions.“You’re Making a Big Deal Out of Nothing”
They downplay their actions and make you feel irrational for being upset.“Everyone Else Agrees With Me”
They bring in the opinions of others (real or imagined) to back up their deflection of blame.“I’m Only Doing This Because I Care”
They twist their controlling or hurtful behaviour into acts of care, making you feel ungrateful.“You Always Overreact”
They consistently accuse you of overreacting to their behaviour, shifting the focus from what they did.“Look What You Made Me Say”
They hold you accountable for their hurtful words, implying that your actions forced them to lash out.“You’re Impossible to Please”
They suggest that no matter what they do, you’ll never be satisfied, taking the blame off their toxic actions.“I Wouldn’t Have to If You Just…”
They shift responsibility by suggesting that your behaviour forces them to act in a certain way.“You’re Twisting My Words”
They accuse you of misinterpreting their words, even when their meaning was clear.“You’re Too Emotional”
They dismiss valid concerns by focusing on your emotional response, making you feel like you’re the problem.“I Was Only Joking”
They excuse hurtful comments or behaviour by claiming it was all in good fun, blaming you for taking it too seriously.“You’re Just Like Everyone Else”
They compare you to others they’ve claimed mistreated them, subtly blaming you for their past grievances.“I Didn’t Mean It That Way”
They refuse to acknowledge the impact of their words or actions by claiming you misunderstood them.“You’re the Reason I’m Unhappy”
They make you feel responsible for their emotional well-being, shifting the burden of their happiness onto you.“If You Weren’t So Insecure…”
They exploit your insecurities and blame you for their actions by suggesting your own flaws caused their behaviour.“You’re Just Trying to Start a Fight”
They accuse you of seeking conflict when you confront them, making you doubt the legitimacy of your feelings.“You Should Have Known Better”
They suggest you should have anticipated their needs or reactions, placing the responsibility on you for their behaviour.“You Misunderstood Me”
They claim you’ve misinterpreted their actions or words, avoiding accountability by shifting blame to your understanding.“You’re So Paranoid”
They dismiss legitimate concerns or suspicions by labelling you as paranoid, making you feel guilty for doubting them.“You’re Always Complaining”
They shift the focus away from their behaviour by framing you as someone who is never satisfied.“You’re Not Listening to Me”
They accuse you of not hearing their side, even when you have, diverting the conversation away from their wrongdoing.“You’re Too Needy”
They deflect responsibility for their neglect by making your emotional needs seem excessive.“I Was Just Trying to Help”
They frame their controlling behaviour as an attempt to help, making you feel unreasonable for objecting.“If You Didn’t Push Me So Hard…”
They claim their behaviour is a reaction to your perceived pressure or demands.“You’re Overthinking Everything”
They dismiss your concerns by labelling them as over-analysis, deflecting the focus from their actions.“You Can’t Take a Joke”
They blame you for being offended by their hurtful comments, shifting attention away from the comment itself.“I Wouldn’t Have Said That If You Didn’t…”
They justify their harsh words by suggesting you provoked them into saying it.“This Wouldn’t Have Happened If You Had Listened to Me”
They blame any negative outcomes on your refusal to follow their advice or instructions.“You Always Blow Things Out of Proportion”
They accuse you of exaggerating situations, making you feel like the issue is your perspective, not their actions.“You’re Just Being Dramatic”
They downplay your emotions and shift the blame by accusing you of overdramatizing the situation.“It’s Your Fault I’m Late”
They blame you for their tardiness, citing something you did or said as the cause.“You’re So Selfish”
They accuse you of selfishness to deflect from their own self-centred behaviour.“You Never Support Me”
They flip the script, making you feel like the unsupportive one, even if they’re the source of the problem.“You Know I Don’t Like That”
They use their preferences or dislikes to justify lashing out, implying you provoked them.“I Only Said That Because You…”
They make it seem like their hurtful comments were triggered by your actions, not their lack of control.“You’re Always the Problem”
They make you feel like you’re always at fault, even when they’re the ones causing the issues.“If You Weren’t So Difficult…”
They blame their bad behaviour on your supposed difficulty or inflexibility.“You Should Have Anticipated That”
They expect you to foresee their needs or reactions, shifting blame when you don’t.“This Always Happens Because of You”
They imply that repeated conflicts are your fault, not the result of their own toxic behaviour.“You’re the Reason We’re Fighting”
They shift the blame for arguments onto you, even if their actions sparked the conflict.“If You Didn’t Nag Me…”
They blame your concerns or requests for their inaction or failure to take responsibility.“You Don’t Understand What I’m Going Through”
They use their supposed suffering as an excuse for their behaviour, deflecting any blame.“You’re So Controlling”
They accuse you of being controlling as a way to shift attention from their own controlling behaviour.“You Expect Too Much from Me”
They claim your expectations are unrealistic, making you feel guilty for asking for basic respect or effort.“If You Were Nicer, I Wouldn’t Have to Act This Way”
They justify their toxic behaviour by blaming your supposed lack of kindness or understanding.“You Always Make Me Look Like the Bad Guy”
They twist the situation to make it seem like you’re painting them as the villain, deflecting from their actual behaviour.
Blame-shifting is one of the most damaging tactics used by narcissists to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, leaving their victims perpetually confused and questioning themselves. Understanding these subtle ways they shift blame can be the first step to breaking free from their control.
Conclusion: You Deserve to Be Free
Below are some healing resources (card decks) I’ve created that may help you on your healing journey:
- Surviving Narcissism Card Deck
- Blissful Breathing Card Deck
- Chair Yoga Card Deck
- 101 Mini Yoga Cards
- Pilates Matwork Card Deck
Narcissistic control can feel overwhelming and inescapable, but by recognising these red flags and taking active steps to regain control of your life, you can find freedom and healing. Whether you’re just beginning to notice these patterns or you’re well along the journey of recovery, remember that you deserve to live a life free from manipulation and coercion.
If you want to explore these and other strategies in-depth, I encourage you to check out the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck for guidance on your journey.
Here’s a look at the full deck:
Narcissist Mind Games (10 Cards)
- Gaslighting
- Triangulation
- Love-Bombing
- Silent Treatment
- Projection
- Blame Shifting
- Future Faking
- Flying Monkeys
- Smear Campaigns
- Hoovering
Self-Care & Boundaries (10 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Time
- Set Clear Boundaries
- No Is a Complete Sentence
- Limit Contact
- Practice Mindfulness
- Healthy Detachment
- Rebuild Trust in Yourself
- Self-Compassion
- Guard Your Energy
- Disconnect Digitally
Healing from Trauma (10 Cards)
- Acknowledge the Pain
- Journal Your Journey
- Practice Gratitude
- Release the Guilt
- Therapy Is Strength
- Feel to Heal
- Reconnect with Your Body
- Affirm Your Worth
- Focus on the Present
- Time Heals
Recognising Red Flags (8 Cards)
- Lack of Empathy
- Extreme Charm
- Need for Control
- Quick Intimacy
- No Accountability
- Inconsistent Behaviour
- Lack of Boundaries
- Isolating You
Empowerment & Rebuilding (8 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Power
- Find Your Voice
- Celebrate Small Wins
- Visualise Your Future
- Rebuild Your Identity
- Surround Yourself with Positivity
- Redefine Your Worth
- Embrace Freedom
Support Systems & Moving Forward (6 Cards)
- Find Your Tribe
- Share Your Story
- Healthy Relationships Exist
- No Contact Is Power
- Stay Educated
- Forgive Yourself First
Click here to explore the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck in full and take the first step in your healing journey.
By George Watts
