Skip to content
Card Category
Narcissist Mind Games
Card Number
This is card 10 of 52 of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck
Card Overview
If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you’ve probably experienced “hoovering”—a manipulation tactic named after the vacuum cleaner, because the narcissist will try to suck you back into their orbit. This tactic is often used after a period of no contact or when you’ve started to pull away from their control. Hoovering can come in many forms: apologies, promises to change, or sudden affection. No matter how it appears, the goal is the same—to regain control and pull you back into their toxic cycle.
This post will break down how hoovering works, what it looks like, and most importantly, how you can protect yourself from falling for it.
Hoovering is card ten in the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck. If you haven’t yet, you can get the full deck here – each card dives deep into the various manipulations and healing strategies to guide your recovery.
What Is Hoovering?
Hoovering is a form of emotional manipulation used by narcissists to lure you back into their lives after you’ve distanced yourself or left the relationship. When a narcissist senses that they’re losing control over you, they’ll pull out all the stops to draw you back in. The tactic can be subtle or overt, but it’s always designed to exploit your emotions, play on your vulnerabilities, and make you second-guess your decision to leave or detach.
The hoovering phase is often confusing and disorienting because it plays on the human need for connection and closure. Just when you think you’ve escaped the narcissist’s influence, they come back with promises of love, change, and understanding. They’ll say things like, “I’ve changed,” or “I can’t live without you.” However, these are just tools in their emotional toolbox to reestablish control over you.
10 Common Hoovering Tactics
Hoovering can take many forms, depending on what the narcissist believes will work best to pull you back in.
Here are some common strategies they use:
Promises to Change
The narcissist may claim they’ve seen the error of their ways and swear they’ve changed. They may promise to attend therapy, stop harmful behaviours, or finally treat you with the respect you deserve. This is often short-lived and designed to make you let down your guard.Grand Gestures
Gifts, elaborate declarations of love, and over-the-top apologies can be part of the hoovering process. They might try to sweep you off your feet with actions that seem romantic but are, in reality, manipulative.Playing the Victim
Another hoovering tactic is for the narcissist to claim they’ve been deeply hurt by your absence or that they’re suffering without you. They may exaggerate their distress or play on your sympathy to make you feel guilty.Guilt-Tripping
The narcissist may attempt to make you feel guilty for leaving them or accuse you of abandoning them when they “needed you the most.” This is designed to erode your resolve and make you feel responsible for their wellbeing.Future Promises
“We’ll be so happy together if you just give me one more chance.” The narcissist will dangle the idea of a perfect future—filled with everything you’ve ever wanted—as a way to lure you back. But remember, these are empty promises.Sudden Need for Help
Sometimes, a narcissist will pretend to be in a crisis and act as if they urgently need your assistance. This could be financial, emotional, or physical. It’s another form of manipulation designed to exploit your empathy and sense of responsibility.Fake Emergencies
To force interaction, a narcissist may fabricate emergencies, such as claiming they’ve been in an accident or that someone in their family is gravely ill, just to get your attention and force you to re-engage with them.Accidental Contact
The narcissist might “accidentally” bump into you at a place they know you frequent or send you a message that appears to be intended for someone else. These “coincidences” are designed to spark communication.Using Others
Narcissists will sometimes enlist mutual friends, family members, or even your children to convey messages, making it harder for you to maintain your boundaries. These third parties (flying monkeys) may unknowingly pressure you to reconnect.Reliving the Past
They’ll remind you of all the good times, perhaps even idealising the relationship. This tactic makes you question whether things were really that bad, luring you into nostalgia that obscures the reality of the abuse.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
Narcissists hoover because they thrive on control and validation. When you remove yourself from their grasp, it’s a blow to their ego. The narcissist cannot handle rejection, and losing control over you feels like a personal failure. Hoovering is their way of reclaiming power and restoring the status quo where they are in control, and you are under their influence.
Hoovering is also driven by the narcissist’s deep-seated fear of abandonment. They need constant validation from others to prop up their fragile sense of self-worth, and when you walk away, you threaten that. By hoovering, they seek to avoid the pain of being discarded or feeling irrelevant.
My Personal Experience with Hoovering
I know firsthand the power of hoovering. When I finally started distancing myself from the narcissistic family member in my life, they went into overdrive to pull me back in. I remember getting a flood of messages filled with promises of money, and sudden acts of kindness. At first, I wanted to believe them. I wanted to think that maybe, just maybe, they had changed. But then I remembered the cycle: the good times never lasted, and the control always returned.
Creating the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck was a deeply emotional process for me, and the Hoovering card brought up many memories. Understanding hoovering helped me finally break free from the manipulation. It made me realise that their apologies and promises were just another form of control. I created this card and the entire deck, to help others see through the smoke and mirrors of narcissistic abuse.
How to Resist Hoovering
Now that you understand what hoovering looks like, how do you resist it?
Here are some tips:
Stick to No Contact
If you’ve gone no contact with the narcissist, keep it that way. Don’t answer their calls, texts, or emails, no matter how tempting it might be.Set Boundaries
If no contact isn’t possible, make your boundaries crystal clear. Limit conversations to essential topics, and don’t engage in emotional discussions.Recognise the Pattern
Understanding that hoovering is part of the narcissistic cycle will help you resist their attempts to draw you back in. Remind yourself that this is just another manipulation tactic.Reach Out for Support
Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about what’s happening. Getting outside perspective can help you stay grounded and committed to your decision.Remind Yourself of the Reality
Keep a journal or list of the reasons you left the narcissist in the first place. This will help you stay clear about why returning to the relationship is not a good idea.Practice Self-Care
Taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health will strengthen your resolve to resist the hoovering attempts. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy.Don’t Engage
If the narcissist sends messages through others, don’t take the bait. Politely decline to engage and let those around you know that you’re setting boundaries.Trust Your Gut
If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your instincts and don’t allow the narcissist to manipulate your emotions.Educate Yourself
The more you learn about narcissistic abuse, the more empowered you’ll be to resist hoovering. Knowledge is your best defence against manipulation.Celebrate Your Progress
Every time you resist a hoovering attempt, acknowledge your strength. Celebrate your progress, and remind yourself that you are moving forward.
Conclusion: Hoovering and Healing
Hoovering is just one of the many manipulative tactics that narcissists use to regain control. By recognising it and resisting the pull, you reclaim your power. The Surviving Narcissism Card Deck is designed to help you see through these tactics and regain control over your life.
Here’s a look at the full deck:
Narcissist Mind Games (10 Cards)
- Gaslighting
- Triangulation
- Love-Bombing
- Silent Treatment
- Projection
- Blame Shifting
- Future Faking
- Flying Monkeys
- Smear Campaigns
- Hoovering
Self-Care & Boundaries (10 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Time
- Set Clear Boundaries
- No Is a Complete Sentence
- Limit Contact
- Practice Mindfulness
- Healthy Detachment
- Rebuild Trust in Yourself
- Self-Compassion
- Guard Your Energy
- Disconnect Digitally
Healing from Trauma (10 Cards)
- Acknowledge the Pain
- Journal Your Journey
- Practice Gratitude
- Release the Guilt
- Therapy Is Strength
- Feel to Heal
- Reconnect with Your Body
- Affirm Your Worth
- Focus on the Present
- Time Heals
Recognising Red Flags (8 Cards)
- Lack of Empathy
- Extreme Charm
- Need for Control
- Quick Intimacy
- No Accountability
- Inconsistent Behaviour
- Lack of Boundaries
- Isolating You
Empowerment & Rebuilding (8 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Power
- Find Your Voice
- Celebrate Small Wins
- Visualise Your Future
- Rebuild Your Identity
- Surround Yourself with Positivity
- Redefine Your Worth
- Embrace Freedom
Support Systems & Moving Forward (6 Cards)
- Find Your Tribe
- Share Your Story
- Healthy Relationships Exist
- No Contact Is Power
- Stay Educated
- Forgive Yourself First
Click here to explore the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck in full and take the first step in your healing journey.
By George Watts
