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Narcissist Mind Games
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This is card 2 of 52 of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck
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If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve likely encountered triangulation—a tactic that pits people against each other to maintain control. Triangulation is a manipulation method that narcissists use to create drama, stir conflict, and keep themselves at the centre of your world by involving a third party, often making you feel isolated, insecure, or jealous. It’s card two of my Surviving Narcissism Card Deck, a tool I developed to help survivors of narcissistic abuse identify manipulation tactics, heal, and reclaim their power. You can explore the full deck here.
In this blog post, we’ll dive deep into triangulation, how it works, the impact it has on your relationships, and, most importantly, how to free yourself from this toxic dynamic.
What Is Triangulation?
Triangulation occurs when a narcissist brings a third party into your relationship to create tension, foster insecurity, or manipulate the dynamic to their advantage. Instead of directly communicating with you, the narcissist will involve another person—whether it’s a friend, family member, or even an ex-lover—to control the situation or validate their perspective. The purpose of triangulation is twofold: it serves to divide and conquer, while also feeding the narcissist’s need for attention, admiration, or control.
For example, imagine you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and you express concerns about their behavior. Instead of addressing your concerns, they bring up another person: “Well, so-and-so agrees with me,” or “Everyone else thinks you’re being unreasonable.” This makes you feel unsupported, insecure, and often leads you to doubt yourself.
Alternatively, the narcissist may create jealousy by excessively praising someone else in front of you or spending more time with them, subtly implying that you’re being replaced or aren’t good enough. This third person becomes a pawn in the narcissist’s game, and the result is emotional chaos for everyone involved.
How Triangulation Works: The Narcissist's 4 Step System
To understand how triangulation operates, it’s helpful to break down its components and recognise the manipulative tactics at play:
1. Creating Jealousy or Competition
Narcissists often use triangulation to make you feel like you’re in competition with someone else. They may constantly talk about how wonderful another person is, how much time they’re spending with them, or how valuable that person’s opinion is. This creates a sense of inadequacy and fuels insecurity. The narcissist does this to control you by making you feel like you need to earn their favour, all while keeping themselves on a pedestal.
2. Stirring Conflict
A narcissist thrives on chaos, and triangulation is an excellent way to stir conflict between people. By spreading rumours, sharing half-truths, or instigating drama, the narcissist can sit back and watch while those around them fight amongst themselves. This keeps the focus off their own manipulative behaviour and puts you in a state of constant anxiety and confusion.
3. Isolating You
When triangulation is used to manipulate relationships, it often results in isolation. You may feel like you can’t trust anyone, because the narcissist has turned friends or family against you, or made you doubt their loyalty. The more isolated you feel, the more reliant you become on the narcissist for validation and support, even as they’re the ones pulling the strings.
4. Avoiding Accountability
Triangulation allows narcissists to avoid responsibility for their actions. Instead of directly confronting issues in your relationship, they’ll involve a third party to validate their perspective or shift blame onto you. “Everyone thinks you’re overreacting” becomes a common refrain, making you feel like the problem, even when the narcissist is clearly in the wrong.
Four Ways That Triangulation Impacts You
The emotional damage caused by triangulation can be significant. Over time, the confusion and chaos it creates can lead to deep insecurity, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion. Here are some of the key ways triangulation affects your mental and emotional health:
1. Erosion of Trust
One of the most damaging effects of triangulation is the erosion of trust. The narcissist may pit you against people you care about, making you feel like you can’t trust anyone. You may become suspicious of others, withdraw from relationships, or constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells. This isolation leaves you vulnerable to further manipulation, as the narcissist becomes your only source of support.
2. Constant Jealousy and Insecurity
By introducing a third party into your relationship, the narcissist creates a constant sense of jealousy and insecurity. You might feel like you’re never good enough, or that you have to compete for their attention and approval. This emotional rollercoaster keeps you in a state of anxiety, making it difficult to see the manipulation for what it is.
3. Increased Emotional Dependence
The more you feel isolated and insecure, the more you may turn to the narcissist for reassurance. This is exactly what they want. By creating confusion and conflict, they can maintain control over your emotions and keep you dependent on them for validation. This emotional dependency makes it harder to break free from the toxic cycle of abuse.
4. Damaged Relationships
Triangulation doesn’t just damage your relationship with the narcissist—it also wreaks havoc on your other relationships. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or coworker being brought into the dynamic, triangulation causes fractures in your social network. You may lose trust in others, feel betrayed, or become isolated from the people who could provide support.
5 Ways to Break Free from Triangulation
The good news is that once you recognise triangulation for what it is, you can begin to break free from its toxic grip. Here are some strategies for protecting yourself from triangulation:
1. Set Boundaries
One of the most powerful ways to protect yourself from triangulation is to set clear, firm boundaries with the narcissist. Let them know that you won’t tolerate them involving a third party in your relationship. If they try to manipulate you by comparing you to someone else or bringing up another person’s opinions, refuse to engage. Keep the focus on the issue at hand and don’t let them pull you into their drama.
2. Refuse to Compete
The narcissist thrives on creating jealousy and competition, but you don’t have to play their game. Remind yourself that you don’t need to compete for anyone’s approval or attention. If the narcissist is trying to make you feel inadequate by praising someone else, take a step back and remember that this is a manipulation tactic. You are enough, and you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone.
3. Don’t Isolate Yourself
Triangulation often leads to isolation, but it’s crucial to maintain strong relationships with people who genuinely care about you. Don’t let the narcissist cut you off from your support system. Talk to trusted friends or family members about what’s going on, and seek their perspective. Outside validation can help you see the narcissist’s manipulations more clearly.
4. Trust Your Instincts
Triangulation is designed to make you doubt yourself and your relationships. Trust your instincts when something feels off. If you feel like the narcissist is trying to create conflict or pit people against each other, don’t ignore that feeling. By trusting yourself, you can start to break free from the confusion and chaos they create.
5. Seek Professional Support
Dealing with triangulation and other narcissistic tactics can be overwhelming, especially if you’re deeply entrenched in the relationship. A therapist who understands narcissistic abuse can provide guidance, support, and strategies for coping with the emotional toll of triangulation. Therapy can also help you rebuild your self-esteem and trust in your own judgment.
Personal Experience: How I Dealt with Triangulation
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I experienced triangulation firsthand. My abuser would constantly bring other people into our conflicts, making me feel like I was always competing for their attention and approval. I remember feeling like I had to prove myself, not just to them, but to the third party as well. It was emotionally exhausting, and it left me feeling isolated and insecure.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with triangulation was the way it eroded my trust in myself and others. I didn’t know who to believe or what was real anymore. The narcissist was always twisting things, making it seem like I was the problem, while using other people to validate their perspective.
Breaking free from triangulation wasn’t easy, but setting boundaries was a crucial first step. I had to learn to trust my instincts and refuse to engage in the narcissist’s mind games. Over time, I rebuilt my self-confidence and started to see through their manipulations. Therapy was also a lifeline for me—it helped me understand the patterns of abuse and gave me the tools I needed to heal.
Conclusion
Triangulation is just one of the many tactics narcissists use to manipulate and control, but recognising it is the first step toward breaking free. If this resonates with you, it’s part of my Surviving Narcissism Card Deck, designed to help you understand and heal from the complexities of narcissistic abuse.
There are 51 more cards waiting to help you on your healing journey.
Here’s a look at the full deck:
Narcissist Mind Games (10 Cards)
- Gaslighting
- Triangulation
- Love-Bombing
- Silent Treatment
- Projection
- Blame Shifting
- Future Faking
- Flying Monkeys
- Smear Campaigns
- Hoovering
Self-Care & Boundaries (10 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Time
- Set Clear Boundaries
- No Is a Complete Sentence
- Limit Contact
- Practice Mindfulness
- Healthy Detachment
- Rebuild Trust in Yourself
- Self-Compassion
- Guard Your Energy
- Disconnect Digitally
Healing from Trauma (10 Cards)
- Acknowledge the Pain
- Journal Your Journey
- Practice Gratitude
- Release the Guilt
- Therapy Is Strength
- Feel to Heal
- Reconnect with Your Body
- Affirm Your Worth
- Focus on the Present
- Time Heals
Recognising Red Flags (8 Cards)
- Lack of Empathy
- Extreme Charm
- Need for Control
- Quick Intimacy
- No Accountability
- Inconsistent Behaviour
- Lack of Boundaries
- Isolating You
Empowerment & Rebuilding (8 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Power
- Find Your Voice
- Celebrate Small Wins
- Visualise Your Future
- Rebuild Your Identity
- Surround Yourself with Positivity
- Redefine Your Worth
- Embrace Freedom
Support Systems & Moving Forward (6 Cards)
- Find Your Tribe
- Share Your Story
- Healthy Relationships Exist
- No Contact Is Power
- Stay Educated
- Forgive Yourself First
Click here to explore the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck in full and take the first step in your healing journey.
By George Watts
