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Narcissist Mind Games
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This is card 5 of 52 of the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck
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Projection is one of the most insidious and confusing tactics used by narcissists to manipulate and control their victims. It’s a psychological defence mechanism that allows the narcissist to project their own negative qualities, behaviours, and feelings onto others, making the victim feel like they are the problem. If you’ve ever found yourself being accused of something you know you didn’t do, but somehow feeling guilty or confused by the accusation, chances are you’ve experienced projection firsthand.
This is card five of 52 from the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck, a tool I created to help myself and others navigate the complexities of narcissistic abuse. If you’ve ever struggled with understanding the mind games of a narcissist, projection is one of their most powerful weapons.
Let’s dive deeper into how projection works and, more importantly, how you can protect yourself from its harmful effects.
What is Projection?
In psychology, projection refers to a defence mechanism where individuals attribute their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviours to someone else. Instead of acknowledging their flaws or wrongdoings, the narcissist accuses others of having the very traits they are unwilling to confront within themselves.
For example, a narcissist who is highly manipulative may accuse you of being the one who is always trying to control things. Or, if they are unfaithful in a relationship, they might accuse you of cheating, despite having no reason to doubt your loyalty. This tactic shifts attention away from their behaviour, putting you on the defensive and making it harder to confront the real issue: their narcissism.
How Projection Works in Narcissistic Relationships
Projection in a relationship with a narcissist often follows a predictable pattern. The narcissist senses something within themselves—an insecurity, a failure, or a flaw—that they cannot accept. Rather than dealing with this internally, they externalize it by accusing you or someone else of embodying that exact quality.
This creates a situation where the narcissist doesn’t have to take accountability for their actions or emotions. It’s a psychological sleight of hand that leaves you feeling confused, guilty, and defensive. Because narcissists are so skilled at making their accusations seem plausible, you might start to question yourself: “Am I really controlling?” “Could I be the one causing the problem?”
The constant bombardment of false accusations makes it difficult to maintain your own sense of reality. You may find yourself working harder to prove that you’re not what they say you are, all the while the real problem—how the narcissist is treating you—goes unaddressed.
21 Signs You’re Dealing with Projection
Projection is a powerful tool in the narcissist’s arsenal of manipulation. It involves attributing their own undesirable traits, emotions, or behaviours onto you, making you feel guilty for things they are actually responsible for. Understanding the signs of projection is crucial for protecting your reality and mental health.
Here are 21 signs you’re dealing with projection in a narcissistic relationship:
1. They Accuse You of Lying
Narcissists often project their own dishonesty onto others. If you’re being accused of lying when you know you’re telling the truth, it’s likely a sign of projection.
2. They Claim You’re Manipulative
In reality, the narcissist is the one manipulating you. But by projecting their manipulative tendencies, they shift the blame, making you question your integrity.
3. They Call You Selfish
Despite their self-centred behaviour, narcissists will accuse you of being selfish, especially when you start to set boundaries or prioritise your needs.
4. They Blame You for Being Controlling
If you’re being accused of trying to control the relationship, it’s likely the narcissist who is actually controlling every aspect of your interactions.
5. They Say You’re Overly Emotional
A narcissist will project their emotional instability onto you, labelling you as overly sensitive or reactive to deflect from their own emotional volatility.
6. They Accuse You of Cheating
One of the most common forms of projection is when a narcissist accuses you of infidelity, especially if they are the ones cheating.
7. They Say You’re Neglectful
A narcissist may project their own neglectful tendencies by accusing you of not caring or being inattentive, even when you’re putting in more effort than they are.
8. They Accuse You of Being Angry
Even when they are the ones expressing anger or rage, a narcissist may accuse you of being the angry one, diverting attention away from their own emotional outbursts.
9. They Blame You for Their Failures
A narcissist will rarely take accountability for their mistakes. Instead, they project their failures onto you, making you feel responsible for their shortcomings.
10. They Say You Don’t Listen
Despite being dismissive of your thoughts and feelings, a narcissist will often accuse you of not listening to them or ignoring their needs.
11. They Call You Needy
Even if they are the ones constantly demanding attention and validation, a narcissist may label you as needy or dependent, making you question your own needs.
12. They Accuse You of Playing the Victim
While the narcissist plays the victim to gain sympathy and avoid responsibility, they may accuse you of doing the same, projecting their own victim mentality.
13. They Say You’re Jealous
Narcissists are often insecure and prone to jealousy, but they may accuse you of being the jealous one to deflect from their own feelings of inadequacy.
14. They Claim You’re Inconsistent
When the narcissist’s behaviour is erratic, they may accuse you of being the one who is inconsistent, leaving you feeling unstable in the relationship.
15. They Accuse You of Being Dismissive
Even though they routinely dismiss your feelings and concerns, the narcissist will project this behaviour onto you, saying that you’re the one who doesn’t care.
16. They Say You Don’t Trust Them
Despite the many reasons they’ve given you to doubt them, a narcissist will accuse you of being distrustful, projecting their own untrustworthiness onto you.
17. They Blame You for Their Unhappiness
Narcissists often feel unfulfilled and unhappy but instead of looking inward, they project their dissatisfaction onto you, claiming you are the cause of their unhappiness.
18. They Accuse You of Being Lazy
A narcissist might project their own lack of effort in the relationship by accusing you of being lazy or unmotivated, even when you’re the one carrying the weight.
19. They Claim You’re Arrogant
Even though narcissists are known for their inflated egos, they may accuse you of being arrogant or condescending, projecting their grandiosity onto you.
20. They Say You’re Disloyal
A narcissist may accuse you of disloyalty or betrayal, especially when they themselves have violated your trust or acted in a disloyal manner.
21. They Say You Don’t Care
No matter how much love, attention, or care you show, a narcissist might project their emotional distance onto you, accusing you of not caring enough for them.
Why Narcissists Rely on Projection
Projection serves multiple purposes for a narcissist.
First, it allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. A narcissist thrives on maintaining a flawless image and cannot tolerate admitting they are wrong. By projecting their flaws onto others, they sidestep the discomfort of self-reflection and accountability.
Second, projection helps them maintain control in the relationship. If you’re busy defending yourself from their accusations, you’re less likely to confront them about their own bad behaviour. This keeps the narcissist in a position of power, as they are dictating the narrative and keeping you off-balance.
Lastly, projection satisfies the narcissist’s deep need for superiority. By attributing their undesirable traits to you, they maintain their self-image as the “good” or “perfect” person in the relationship. In their distorted worldview, the narcissist is always the victim, never the perpetrator.
The Impact of Projection on Victims
The emotional toll of projection can be devastating. Victims often experience chronic self-doubt, confusion, and a diminished sense of self-worth. The longer you stay in a relationship where projection is used regularly, the more likely you are to internalise the false accusations and lose sight of your own reality.
Projection can also lead to emotional exhaustion. Trying to prove that you’re not the person the narcissist accuses you of being is an uphill battle that takes a heavy toll on your mental and emotional health. Over time, this erodes your sense of identity and leaves you feeling powerless.
How to Protect Yourself from Projection
Stay Grounded in Your Reality – The most important thing you can do when facing projection is to trust your own sense of reality. Narcissists will do everything they can to distort the truth, but you know your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours better than anyone. Ground yourself in this knowledge.
Don’t Engage in the Accusations – One of the biggest mistakes you can make is trying to prove the narcissist wrong. Engaging with their false accusations only gives them more control. Instead, calmly state your truth without getting drawn into an argument.
Recognise the Pattern – Once you understand that projection is a defence mechanism, it becomes easier to see it for what it is: a way for the narcissist to avoid accountability. When you recognise the pattern, you can begin to emotionally detach from their accusations.
Set Boundaries – Let the narcissist know that you won’t tolerate baseless accusations. This can be difficult, but setting boundaries is essential for protecting your mental and emotional well-being.
Seek Support – Dealing with projection on your own can feel isolating and overwhelming. Talking to a therapist or trusted friend can help you process your emotions and gain clarity.
Detach Emotionally – Emotional detachment doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you refuse to let the narcissist’s behaviour control your emotions. When you detach, you create space for your own mental peace.
Conclusion
Projection is a powerful and damaging tactic used by narcissists to manipulate and control. Recognising projection is the first step in protecting yourself from its effects. By understanding how this defence mechanism works and learning to stay grounded in your own reality, you can regain your power and begin to heal.
Through my own journey, I’ve learned that healing is possible. Creating the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck has been both therapeutic and empowering, allowing me to transform my experiences into tools for healing and growth.
If you found this discussion on projection eye-opening, I encourage you to explore the entire Surviving Narcissism Card Deck, which includes 52 cards, each addressing different aspects of narcissistic abuse and recovery.
Here’s a look at the full deck:
Narcissist Mind Games (10 Cards)
- Gaslighting
- Triangulation
- Love-Bombing
- Silent Treatment
- Projection
- Blame Shifting
- Future Faking
- Flying Monkeys
- Smear Campaigns
- Hoovering
Self-Care & Boundaries (10 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Time
- Set Clear Boundaries
- No Is a Complete Sentence
- Limit Contact
- Practice Mindfulness
- Healthy Detachment
- Rebuild Trust in Yourself
- Self-Compassion
- Guard Your Energy
- Disconnect Digitally
Healing from Trauma (10 Cards)
- Acknowledge the Pain
- Journal Your Journey
- Practice Gratitude
- Release the Guilt
- Therapy Is Strength
- Feel to Heal
- Reconnect with Your Body
- Affirm Your Worth
- Focus on the Present
- Time Heals
Recognising Red Flags (8 Cards)
- Lack of Empathy
- Extreme Charm
- Need for Control
- Quick Intimacy
- No Accountability
- Inconsistent Behaviour
- Lack of Boundaries
- Isolating You
Empowerment & Rebuilding (8 Cards)
- Reclaim Your Power
- Find Your Voice
- Celebrate Small Wins
- Visualise Your Future
- Rebuild Your Identity
- Surround Yourself with Positivity
- Redefine Your Worth
- Embrace Freedom
Support Systems & Moving Forward (6 Cards)
- Find Your Tribe
- Share Your Story
- Healthy Relationships Exist
- No Contact Is Power
- Stay Educated
- Forgive Yourself First
Click here to explore the Surviving Narcissism Card Deck in full and take the first step in your healing journey.
By George Watts
