Category
Surviving Narcissism
Table Of Contents
- When A Narcissist Realises You Refuse To Be Controlled Video
- 8 Narcissist Tendencies
- 5 Tips And 4 Tools To Break Free From The Narcissist Control Game
- Tip 1: Beware Of The Mould
- Tip 2: Your New Mindset Mantra
- Tip 3: Practice Makes Permanent
- Tip 4: The Narcissist Will Place These Labels On You
- Tip 5: Don’t Go Into Counter Control Mode
- The Narcissists Weapons
- Narcissist Weapon 1: Bullying
- Narcissist Weapon 2: Arguments And Loaded Questions
- Narcissist Weapon 3: Complain To People Who Matter To You
- Narcissist Weapon 4: Narcissist Rage
- Narcissist Weapon 5: Deny Any Wrongdoing
- Narcissist Weapon 6: Call Back Compliments
- Narcissist Weapon 7: Speak Glowingly About Themselves
- Disarm The Narcissist Weapons With An Invisibility Bubble
- Conclusion
Surviving Narcissism Tools
- Imperative Phrases Tool
- Mindset Mantra Tool
- Pick A Post Tool
- Counter Control Tool
- Imperative Thinking Tool
- No Arguing Mantra Tool
- Sniff A Loaded Question Tool
- Loaded Question Reply Tool
- Controlling Ways Mantra Tool
- Invisible Bubble Core Belief Tool
Overview
It is the height of arrogance when a narcissist decides that you need to be controlled.
Discover how narcissists may react with dismay when you make it clear that you will no longer come under their control. Become aware of the multiple reasons for you to stay your course as you declare that you are choosing to move in a more healthy life direction.
When A Narcissist Realises You Refuse To Be Controlled Video: 14 Minutes
Narcissist Tendencies
If you’re trying to figure out if someone has very strong narcissistic tendencies, and they’re far down on the narcissism spectrum, there are 8 things you can watch for.
8 Narcissistic Tendencies
- They have a very high need to be in control.
- They’re not empathetic people.
- They’re exploitive.
- They’re manipulative.
- They’re entitled.
- They think way too highly of themselves.
- They have to be superior.
- They’re very thin-skinned.
It’s also important to know what the tendencies of a responsible (non-narcissistic) person are…
12 Non-Narcissistic Tendencies
- Responsible people don’t make excuses.
- Responsible people show up.
- Responsible people are loyal, yet not dutifully loyal.
- Responsible people want to get to know you.
- Responsible people know when to lay down their egos.
- Responsible people are not afraid of words like: “I was wrong, please forgive me?”.
- Responsible people don’t go around creating drama.
- Responsible people are known for having steady emotions because they work at it.
- Responsible people don’t gripe, criticise or complain excessively.
- Responsible people are consistent.
- Responsible people are disciplined.
- And most of all, responsible people are trustworthy.
5 Tips & 4 Tools To Break Free From The Narcissist Control Game
Narcissists are control freaks, and their game of choice is the control game. They love nothing better than to control you. Below are some tips and tools to help free yourself from these troubled souls.
Tip 1: Beware Of The Mould
It takes the height of arrogance and lack of common sense for one human being to say to themselves: “It’s an excellent idea for me to tell someone else how they are supposed to be and then to dominate and control them.”
It’s okay to give people feedback, suggestions, and discuss what you’ve found to work and not work. That kind of feedback is healthy. There are, however, some individuals (narcissists) who have a mould they have designed and they want you to get inside it.
The narcissist mindset is:
“You should get inside the mould I’ve designed.”
Imperative Thinking
Narcissists use ‘imperative thinking’ (also known as imperative communication) to control you.
When someone thinks ‘imperatively’ their sentences contain words such as ‘must’, ‘need’, ‘should, ‘ought to and ‘got to’. These words reveal a rigid and inflexible mindset.
Tip 2: Your New Mindset Mantra
What would happen if you were to decide,
“You know what, I’m not going to be held hostage to the emotional duress anymore.”
Imagine what it would be like to have that mindset.
Tip 3: Practice Makes Permanent
Practice makes permanent!
A professional golfer wouldn’t show up to a tournament without having put in hundreds of hours of practice. Without the practice, they would lose every time. The same is true when dealing with a narcissist. If you haven’t practised (e.g. reading the narcissism articles on this site and using the tools within the Surviving Narcissism Toolbox), you will almost certainly lose every encounter you have with a narcissist.
To break free from a narcissist, start practising today.
Tip 4: The Narcissist Will Place These Labels On You
Once the narcissist gets wind of your new mindset they are not going to like it one bit.
You will be labelled:
- an ungrateful person
- rebellious
- an unenlightened person
- not a team player
- not a good family member
- a non-conformist
- an outlier
Tip 5: Don't Go Into Counter Control Mode
Basically, all you would be declaring to the narcissist with your new mindset is:
“All I want is to be free. I want inner peace. I want my common sense to guide how I do life. Stop controlling me.”
If you do try to break free from the clutches of a narcissist be ready for the onslaught that will be coming your way. They’ll pull out all the stops to get you back into the fold, so they can control you. When that happens, don’t plead your case over and over again. It won’t work.
When you know that you have a reasonable manner of doing life (e.g. not trying to manipulate and control others) say in a calm voice:
“Please stop controlling me”.
If you raise your voice and become angry when saying “Please stop controlling me“, you have entered counter control mode, where you’re trying to control the narcissist, which is not a good place to be.
By breaking free from a narcissist’s control, you are making it known to the narcissist that you have figured out what a healthy life requires and it doesn’t include all their controlling stuff, so you’re not playing that game anymore.
Obviously, the narcissist won’t respond positively to you wanting freedom. You won’t hear something like this pass their lips: “How can we coordinate better?”
Here’s how to be prepared for their narcissistic weapons…
The Narcissist's Weapons
Narcissistic Weapon 1: Bullying
Probably the first weapon they will hurl at you is bullying.
They will try incredibly hard to make you feel regret by deciding to go against them. The three main bullying tactics they’ll use are verbal, physical, and social. A narcissist will probably use all three tactics if you dare to break free from them.
Physical Bullying
Physical bullying is the most obvious form of bullying. It occurs when the narcissist uses physical actions to gain power and control over their targets. Physical bullies tend to be bigger, stronger, and more aggressive than their victims.
Examples of physical bullying include:
- Kicking
- Hitting
- Punching
- Slapping
- Shoving
Physical bullying is the easiest to identify. As a result, it is most likely what people think of when they think of bullying. Narcissists are highly manipulative, so they usually prefer social and verbal bullying.
Social Bullying
And you almost certainly will be socially bullied.
Social bullying is a type of bullying where the narcissist tries to isolate their victim from wider social networks. To do this they will try to damage your relationships and reputation.
By ostracising a person from a specific group, the perpetrator is reducing the opportunity for their victim to seek support.
In some cases, the bully may appear to be friendly when they are communicating directly with their victim, but they could be manipulating other people to act against that person.
Social bullying can include:
- ostracising a person from an existing social group
- spreading rumours about a person
- sharing secrets that were told in confidence
- deliberately embarrassing someone in public
- cyberbullying
Verbal Bullying
As stated above, they will use ‘imperative thinking’ to control you (use words such as ‘must’, ‘need’, ‘should, ‘ought to and ‘got to’ in order to gain control over you). This verbal bullying, however, is just for starters. I’ve included the imperative phrases below (again) because I think it’s so important to recognise words used by narcissists for the singular purpose of controlling you.
Narcissistic Weapon 2: Arguments & Loaded Questions
My dad is a narcissist. If I had to write one word on his tomb it would be: ARGUMENTS
Arguments between him, my Mum and my older brother was a constant theme when growing up. Arguing is the go-to weapon for most narcissists because they know it will wear you down. An occasional argument every now and then with a family member is normal, but with narcissists, it’s a constant barrage. They love to argue. If you have said or done something differently to them, they will try to argue with you because you’re not being a dutiful clone of them.
Loaded Questions
Arguments usually spring from ‘loaded questions’ that the narcissist will bombard you with.
A loaded question is a trick question, which presupposes at least one unverified assumption that the person being questioned is likely to disagree with. For example, the question “why aren’t you doing it this way?” is a loaded question, because it presupposes that you should be doing it the narcissist’s way.
This type of false, manipulative question puts the person who is being questioned in a disadvantageous and defensive position because baked into the question is an outcome that either reflects badly on them or pressures them to answer in a way that they wouldn’t otherwise.
Examples Of Loaded Questions
“Why aren’t you doing it this way?”
“Why did you come up with that?”
“Don’t you remember you told me this?”
“Have you stopped doing that?”
Loaded questions are also known as implicit assumptions.
Implicit Assumptions Are the Explosives
The explosive material inside the ‘loaded question weapon’ is the implicit assumption that the person being questioned is probably going to disagree with.
Just in case you’re asking yourself: “What Is Implicit & Explicit?” Explicit – clearly stated so there is no room for confusion or questions. Implicit – implied or suggested, but not clearly stated.
Loaded questions are phrased in a way that pressures the person being questioned to reply in a way that confirms the negative assumption. It’s highly manipulative behaviour. That’s why the loaded question is a favourite weapon for narcissists.
How To Avoid Asking Loaded Questions
Because you’re a healthy human being, you probably want to avoid asking loaded questions? It’s easy. Make sure to avoid assuming things in your question that the person being questioned might disagree with. ASSuming makes an ASS out of you.
Don’t Join In
If you cotton on to their loaded questions, and the narcissist senses you’re about to break free from their control, they will crank up the arguing and loaded questions to spectacular levels.
Psssst. Listen carefully. Don’t join in the arguing!
If you join the argument, you’ve walked straight into their trap. As long as you’re arguing with them, they are in control.
Narcissistic Weapon 3: Complain To People Who Matter To You
When you try to break away from a narcissist they will marshall family and friends to bombard you with shame.
They may
- Reveal intimate details that you’ve shared with the narcissist, to try and embarrass you.
- Distort the mistakes that you have made in the past.
- Openly lie about things you have supposedly done that never happened.
- Accuse you of being crazy.
- Say that you have lied to them.
Narcissistic Weapon 4: Narcissistic Rage
They can go into a narcissistic rage where there’s lots of:
- Shouting
- Screaming
- Uncontrolled anger
Or they can take it to the other extreme where there’s a lot of deep, harsh, pervasive, passive-aggressiveness where they are not cooperative at all, and go into ‘deep freeze’. They can sulk (be silent, morose, and bad-tempered) as if it’s an Olympic sport and they are training to be the best sulkers in the world.
Narcissistic Weapon 5: Deny Any Wrongdoing
They will certainly deny any wrongdoing on their part.
When they go into ‘heavy denial’, the English language has a word for that – LYING. They are not honest. They will lie about who they are and what they’ve done with you.
Narcissistic Weapon 6: Call Back Compliments
They may call back compliments that they used to give you.
For example, your partner may have said how pretty you were, but if you are separating (and still having to live together until the house is sold), they may ‘call back the compliments’ by saying: “I just said that to prop you up. I don’t think you are pretty. You’re just a really insecure person, and nobody likes you anyway.”
Narcissistic Weapon 7: Speak Glowingly About Themselves
This is the go-to weapon for the member of my family who is a narcissist.
Rarely did a day pass without him letting the family know how wonderful, giving, and amazing he was to us. If he found a megaphone on the side of the road, he’d probably pick it up so that more people could know about his wonderfulness.
The truth was that he was rarely wonderful, giving or amazing…except when he was trying to impress strangers.
Disarm The Narcissist's Weapons With An Invisible Bubble
Use the Invisible Bubble Tool below to discover how to disarm the narcissist’s weapons.
Conclusion
It’s necessary for you to be YOU.
So, when you say, “I’m not going to let someone control me,” hold onto that thought, move forward, and don’t look back.
The narcissist:
- Hates your core belief invisible bubble.
- Doesn’t want you to stay the course and be free from them.
- Is not someone you want in your inner circle.
- Modus operandi is to rob you of yourself by making you part of their childish, power-seeking games.
- Hates when you refuse to play their games.
- Hates when you have better things to do with your time and life.
By George Watts
