Category
Surviving Narcissism
Table Of Contents
- How A Narcissist Exploits Your Kindness Video
- 8 Things To Watch For In A Narcissist
- This Should Not Be An Issue At All
- What Can Possibly Go Wrong?
- Narcissist Formula For Disaster
- Narcissists Are On The Lookout For People To Exploit
- Narcissists Have A Friendly-Person Radar
- 3 Tools For Avoiding Detection From A Narcissist
- Tool 1: Contemplate These 8 Things To Get Your Mind Right
- Tool 2: Calm Firmness
- Tool 3: Don’t Be A Rescuer
- Conclusion
Narcissist Survival Tools
Overview
Being friendly is a desirable trait since it sends a message of warmth and approachability. But when narcissists notice your friendly nature, the wheels of manipulation begin turning in their minds.
How A Narcissist Exploits Your Kindness Video: 13 Minutes
8 Things To Watch For In A Narcissist
If you’re trying to figure out if someone has very strong narcissistic tendencies, and they’re far down on the narcissism spectrum, there are multiple things you can watch for.
- They have a very high need to be in control.
- They’re not empathetic people.
- They’re exploitive.
- They’re manipulative.
- They’re entitled.
- They think way too highly of themselves.
- They have to be superior.
- They’re very thin-skinned.
This Shouldn't Be An Issue At All
One of the issues that can arise with your interactions with narcissists is when you think to yourself:
“This shouldn’t be an issue at all.”
But it is an issue.
If you’re a kind, friendly, engaging person and you like nurturing relationships those traits can be a dangerous thing when you’re with a narcissist.
Like many people, you probably put a high premium on your friendliness, and that’s a good thing. It’s nice getting to know someone better. You like being in the role of the encourager. You like being helpful. You have a big heart. You like having an accepting and accommodating spirit.
There’s research that indicates that two of the most prominent ingredients in a healthy personality are your ‘agreeableness’ and ‘lack of neuroticism’. So, if you’re an agreeable, friendly person who doesn’t carry a lot of inner tension (not neurotic) that’s a positive sign for your capacity to have healthy relationships.
What Can Possibly Go Wrong Then?
You might be thinking: “Great, if I have such a health personality what can possibly go wrong then?”
Well, it’s called narcissism.
When you’re engaging with a narcissist they’re not operating from the same healthy mindset as you are. For a while, narcissists can give the impression that they are friendly as well, but over time you begin to realise that these individuals have completely different inner ingredients which don’t allow them to reciprocate to your friendliness in a healthy way.
Narcissist Formula For Disaster
Keep in mind that when a narcissist comes in your direction their whole personalities are built on deep, embedded insecurities.
They have a lack of self-esteem down at the core. They can give the appearance that they are very confident, but with narcissism, that’s a trick. They have an overwhelming urge to be dominant, in control and the ultimate authority. Even though they rarely show these negative traits upfront when you first meet them, because they want to appear friendly, eventually they will show up. The urge to dominate is too strong for them to resist.
Narcissists have deep insecurity and they want someone to dominate. That’s a formula for disaster!
Narcissist Formula For Disaster
Insecurity + Urge To Dominate = Disaster
Narcissists Have A Friendly-Person Radar
Narcissists have an inbuilt inner radar for ranging and detecting individuals who come across as really friendly. That inner radar can detect a really friendly person from a 1000 yards or more! You need to train yourself to go into stealth mode to avoid detection by a narcissist.
A good question to ask is: “How does a plane avoid radar detection?”
Knowing the answer will help you avoid detection from a narcissist.
The answer is…
Because radio waves are likely to approach a plane from far away, they hit it at shallow, glancing angles. To hide from radar, a stealth plane’s panels all slant nearly horizontally, so that there are no broad surfaces for radio waves to bounce sideways off and return to their source.
3 Tools For Avoiding Detection From A Narcissist
As you understand this dynamic that’s in play when you’re dealing with a narcissist, there are a couple of different tools you can use to avoid detection from a narcissist.
Tool 1: Firstly, you want to get your mind right so that you don’t go off base.
Secondly, you want to get your behaviours right.
Tool 1: Contemplate These 8 Things To Get Your Mind Right
To get your mind right when dealing with a narcissist it’s time to recognise that many individuals who are attracted to you are emotionally wounded.
Contemplate these eight things to get your mind right…
1. Soul Balm
When you come across as a friendly and engaging individual that wounded person is thinking, “You can be a balm to my soul.” They are thinking entirely about what they can get from the relationship. Your needs and wants aren’t even on their radar.
2. Baggage Sorting
Before entering into a relationship the narcissist will never think: “Crikey (a British exclamation of surprise), I need to sort my own emotional baggage“.
That kind of thought is utterly alien to them. Instead, they will be thinking, “Lovely jovely. You can give something to me so I feel less hurt”.
When you have a friendly disposition, the narcissist will bring all their baggage with them to the relationship. In addition, we can also say that many people that you engage with, unbeknownst to you, maybe operating with a character disorder. There’s a difference between having a mood disorder and a character disorder.
3. Mood Disorder
A mood disorder is if you’ve had a struggle with depression or anxiety, or have some anger issues. There are ways of reducing depression, anxiety and anger.
4. Character Disorder
A character disorder, which narcissists have, goes much deeper than a mood disorder.
Yes, they can be moody, but the moodiness is born of the fact their character has not been fully and maturely developed. There’s a hurt little boy or girl on the inside that they are carrying around and they haven’t learned healthy relationship skills. They haven’t developed good insights.
5. Disguised Pathology
Be very aware that narcissists are experts at hiding or disguising their narcissistic pathology (pathology is the study of disease). It is an incurable disease which is why it’s no use trying to rescue them. This ‘disguising tactic’ is especially true with covert narcissists because they initially present themselves as being ‘oh, so nice’ and their need for control and exploitativeness only shows up later on down the road.
6. Don’t Be Naive
Another thought to hold onto is just because you operate with goodness, trustworthiness, and consideration towards others doesn’t mean the person in front of you is going to reciprocate. It’s naive to think that everyone will reciprocate your goodness. Don’t be naive.
7. Narcissistic Mirroring
Friendly people have strong empathy skills.
Narcissists can give the impression that they might have empathy but it is false empathy called narcissistic mirroring where they reflect back what you’re saying to them but they don’t go inside themselves to understand you. You want to be sure that you see the narcissistic mirroring for what it is and recognise that it’s just another tool the narcissist uses to manipulate you.
8. Imperfect World
So, here you are. You’re friendly, engaging, upbeat, wanting to make things go well, and you have to take all these other things into account. It may seem like an emotional burden, and you’re right. It is a burden. But it is a broken, imperfect world and this is what you’ll need to engage with.
Tool 2: Calm Firmness
If you’re that friendly person and you start getting the sense that the other individual is bringing narcissistic responses to you (e.g. too demanding, too bossy, too many conditions they want to put onto you, too harsh, etc), you definitely will love using the calm firmness tool (see below). It’s probably the single best tool in your Narcissist Survival Toolbox.
Friendly people tend to find it awkward to be assertive.
Hey, that’s okay!
Simply let the awkwardness be there (it’s only short-term) because the long-term benefits are huge. You don’t want to just ‘go along to get along’ knowing that it isn’t a healthy relationship.
Tool 3: Don't Be A Rescuer
Remind yourself that you don’t have to be a ‘rescuer’.
You don’t have to be someone who takes someone in as a project which friendly people are inclined to do. It’s crucial to always remember that narcissists have a strong exploitive nature. It’s good to be friendly towards someone, but you also want to have narcissist survival tools at your disposal because if you’re dealing with a narcissist they have a hidden agenda to control and manipulate you.
Conclusion
When you start realising you’re dealing with a narcissist, an inner warning bell will start ringing to get you into self-care mode. You can bet your bottom dollar that the narcissist will not care about you, so you must step up and care for yourself.
By George Watts
