Skip to content
Category
Surviving Narcissism
Table Of Contents
- Narcissist Mind Games Video
- 8 Things To Watch For In A Narcissist
- Agony Of Being Played Like A Fiddle
- Mind Game 1: Trust Me So I Can Take Notes
- Mind Game 2: Establish An Upper Hand Over You
- Mind Game 3: Feed You A Diet Of Fear So You Walk On Eggshells
- Mind Game 4: Sabotage You Behind Your Back
- Mind Game 5: Each Bit Of Data About You Is A Cannonball
- Mind Game 6: Portray Themselves As The Victim & Pin Blame On You
- Mind Game 7: Turn Life Into Heavy Duty & Obligation
- Conclusion
Narcissist Survival Tools
- Narcissist Upper Hand Tool
- Narcissists Eggshells Tool
- Avoid The Cannonball Tool
- The Narcissist Is Not The Victim Tool
- Confronting A Narcissist Tool
Overview
How often have you felt manipulated by a narcissist? It has probably happened more times than you’d like to admit since manipulation is what they do. Here are 10 mind games commonly played by a narcissist, and tactics to stay clear of them.
Narcissist Mind Games Video: 14 Minutes
8 Things To Watch For In A Narcissist
If you’re trying to figure out if someone has very strong narcissistic tendencies, and they’re far down on the narcissism spectrum, there are multiple things you can watch for.
- They have a very high need to be in control.
- They’re not empathetic people.
- They’re exploitive.
- They’re manipulative.
- They’re entitled.
- They think way too highly of themselves.
- They have to be superior.
- They’re very thin-skinned.
Agony Of Being Played Like A Fiddle
A common theme that counsellors hear from their patients is ‘agony’.
A lot of emotional pain is felt by people when they finally figure out that someone they wanted to have a close relationship with turned out to be very narcissistic. The narcissist could be a parent, a partner, a business associate, or a friend but the relationship was doomed from the beginning.
Narcissists play people like fiddles. They enjoy playing with people, but it can be agony for anyone in a relationship with them.
Then as the days, weeks, and years pile up, people dealing with narcissists can feel that they’ve been run over by a truck.
What are you supposed to do?
Well, it’s a good idea to understand some of the mind games that narcissists play so that you become aware of what to watch for so that you’re not so pulled in that you end up losing your self-identity in the process. If you have been with someone who is narcissistic, knowing these mind games will help you adjust and move on in a much healthier way.
Narcissists are manipulators.
They love to figure out what your weak spots might be, or what your vulnerabilities are. They will try to figure out how to put you in a position so you’re doing their bidding. This is what is known as narcissistic supply. They don’t care what you think or feel, and if you wind of feeling hurt, angry, defensive, or disgusted they’ll say that’s your problem. But if you say, “But you’re the one that’s creating it within me,” they will refuse to take responsibility. They don’t take responsibility for themselves but they will continue playing mind games with you.
There are several mind games that narcissists will play.
Try to figure out how you could respond to each of the games, so you aren’t played like a fiddle any longer.
Mind Game 1: Trust Me
The first mind game is the narcissist will say: “I want you to trust me.”
At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists can appear friendly, interested and curious. They may ask questions about who you are, what you feel, and what you’re up to. They may say some supportive kinds of things to you to make you think that they are really nice and really into me.
So, you open up and talk with them about who you are and what you feel, and they’ll say: “Yeah, tell me a little more about that.”
Well, in a healthy relationship that’s ideally what you want to do, but with a narcissist, it’s a mind game. They get you to pour out your heart and soul (yet they won’t be open to you) because they’re taking notes to get to know your hurts and needs.
They will use those notes in the future against you. Forty years from now they’ll still be using those notes against you!
Mind Game 2: Establish An Upper Hand Over You
A second mind game that narcissists can play is that they bein to establish an upper hand over you. Once they bring you in and let you assume they are pleasant, friendly, and on your side, you’ll notice criticism of you starts creeping in.
“Why did you do it that way?”
“I don’t think you should have said it that way?”
“No. No. No. You shouldn’t have done that. I’m right. You need to listen to what I have to say.”
“I can do that better than you.”
They come across as having the mindset that they always know more than you. As you get to know the narcissist you’ll discover that they have inflated confidence and correctness.
If you try to say anything different to them they won’t listen to you. Your ideas don’t matter to them. They want you to do it their way. They want you to believe that they are better than anyone else. You could be the preeminent voice on the subject and they’ll still think their ideas are better than yours.
Mind Game 3: Feed You A Diet Of Fear So You Walk On Eggshells
A third mind game that narcissists will play with you when you’ve been around them long enough, is to feed you a diet of fear.
They love to instil fear in you.
They like it when you fear them. They can be stubborn, judgemental, and have strong emotions. Their criticism can become hard anger so that you end up walking on eggshells trying not to have them blow up at you. You may find yourself constantly laying down your preferences and doing what they want to do. You may be very confident in everything else you do in life, but not with the narcissist.
You might find yourself saying subconsciously:
“Forget it. With a narcissist, it’s just not worth the hassle to argue so I’ll forgo my uniqueness and preferences.”
This fear of upsetting the narcissist is constantly cultivated by the narcissist.
Mind Game 4: Sabotage You Behind Your Back
A fourth mind game that narcissists will play is sabotaging you behind your back.
As you get to know them and they get to know your trends and tendencies. Part of their game that keeps them in a superior position is that they like to isolate you from other individuals. Isolation can keep you from having allies or supporters.
Narcissists will constantly speak negatively behind your back without you realising it.
For example, let’s suppose it’s a family setting and that narcissist talks to some of your relatives who may have just given you a compliment and the narcissist may say:
“Well, I know you’re impressed by what Jane did but behind the scenes, there are quite a few things you don’t know….“.
They then go into a detailed story of how you made a big mistake or said something bad about them.
In doing so they are trying to keep people from having confidence in you.
Why?
Because it keeps them in a superior position. Sabotaging you elevates them to the superior position and keeps you dutifully attached to them because you have fewer people on your side.
Mind Game 5: Each Bit Of Data About You Is A Cannonball
A fifth mind game that narcissists will play is finding flaws and holding them against you to score points.
Each bit of data about you is a cannonball they can blast at you.
Due to their ‘trust me mentality’ you might divulge personal information and say something like:
“Well, years ago I made this mistake that I’ve never told anyone….”.
And you go onto explain the mistake you made. The narcissist can seem in the moment, to be very understanding of you but later on, when they feel like they need to score some points, they are likely to recall the mistake you laid bare to them and they’ll say:
“I know what your character is like and I know who you are and you’re not nearly as good as you think you are. You remember that thing you told me about that happened two years ago.”
You might reply:
“Wait a minute. I thought I was talking with you in a way that was loving and excepting exchange.“
But you suddenly realise that’s not the way they work. When they say ‘talk with me about who you are, it’s a game to them.
They are constantly collecting data on you. So, decide from this moment on never to share personal information with them that could be used against you in the future.
Mind Game 6: Portray Themselves As The Victim & Pin Blame On You
A sixth mind game that narcissists will play is portraying themselves as the victim.
They need to come across as being blameless. They need to come across as someone who has very good intentions, which means if there is something about them that goes wrong instead of admitting to it by saying: “Yeah, I kinda blow it,” they think “If I erred, you made it happen.” It’s the classic narcissist blame game strategy.
They have an overwhelming urge to have someone to pin their mistakes on…and that person will be you if you let them.
Mind Game 7: Turn Life Into Heavy Duty & Obligation
A seventh mind game that narcissists will play is that they turn life into heavy-duty and obligation. They speak with you as if life is one long list of rules and regulations (known as an imperative style of thinking) by using words like:
“You have to…”
“You must…”
“You’ve got to…”
When you say: “Well, I don’t want to do things because I have to,” they’ll just continue with the imperative phrasing and say: “You’ve got to…” They come at you as if life is a big regulatory mindset that you’re supposed to buy into, and they get to write the regulations and rules.
You may feel like they are the umpire of your life.
In some sports, such as baseball, the umpire is the official who watches a game closely to enforce the rules and arbitrate on matters arising from the play. The narcissist is watching you closely to enforce their rules upon you.
Conclusion
As you look at these different narcissist mind games you’ll become aware that the name of the game for them in an overarching sense is: “I want you to lose your uniqueness.” They want you to come under their clutches and be what I tell you to be. So, as you recognise this game playing that’s trying to take you away from your natural self, take a look at a few key thoughts.
Key Thought 1: Don’t Give Them The Reaction They Crave
Don’t give them the reaction they want.
Once you begin spotting their narcissist mind games, they want you to be afraid, they want you to be angry, they want you to be defensive because those reactions prove to them their superiority over you. It’s crucial to practice responding to narcissists calmly.
You being calm and steady is exactly what they don’t want. They want you charged up. You may have previously thought that if you catch a narcissist being a narcissist you should punch them in the nose, but that’s what they want you to do. Plus, it’s playing the ‘game of control’ at them. Just because they try to control you, don’t be lured into trying to control them.
Key Thought 2: Confrontation Can Be A Good Strategy
It can be a good strategy to confront a narcissist, but it will take practice (see the one-minute practice card below). You can let them know what you’re onto them but always do it calmly. The moment you raise your voice in anger, they’ve got you right where they want you.
You could say: “I don’t like the way you handled…”, or “You misrepresented me...”, and you can guarantee they will respond by saying, “I didn’t do that“.
Hold your ground.
Be willing to state calmly what you believe in.
Claim your strength.
If you find it hard to claim your strength, practice. That’s why each article on this site comes with multiple surviving narcissism one-minute practice cards. A one-minute practice session can change your life, so don’t bypass the practice sessions.
Always keep in mind that the narcissist wants to strip you of ‘you’. They want to mould you into their own image. By standing up for yourself it’s your way of silently saying: “I think of myself as unique from you.”
Key Thought 3: Don’t Go Down Argumentative Rabbit Holes
Don’t get pulled into useless arguments. Once you’re onto their mind games and see they’re trying to exploit, use, and manipulate you rather than arguing over what they should have done differently, state calmly your unwillingness to go along with them. State your different preferences. Then, when they persist in wanting to argue say: “I have nothing more to say.”
Let your “yes” be yes, and let your “no” be no. Narcissists want to keep you in disarray (a state of disorganization). They want to keep you clogged in doubt. They want to keep you confused about ‘you’ (your uniqueness). They don’t want you to use surviving narcissism tools against them.
Because you’re reading this, and taking action on the surviving narcissism one-minute practice cards, you’re beginning to be aware of their games and choose not to participate in them because you’re comfortable with ‘you’ being ‘you’.
Click here for more narcissist mind games and the number one narcissist habit.
By George Watts
