Category
Surviving Narcissism
Table Of Contents
- When You See This It’s Narcissism Video
- 8 Things To Watch For In A Narcissist
- The Number One Narcissist Habit
- The Number One Non-Narcissist Habit
- The Narcissist Blame Game
- 7 Key Ingredients For Responsibility That Narcissists Lack
- Ingredient 1: Believe In Your Capacity To Change
- Ingredient 2: Seek Control From The Inside Out
- Ingredient 3: Honest About Yourself
- Ingredient 4: Well Developed Value System
- Ingredient 5: Accept Guilt & Shame When Necessary
- Ingredient 6: Learning & Insight Are Ongoing
- Ingredient 7: Respect The Rights Of Other Individuals
- Conclusion
Narcissist Survival Tools
- Narcissist Blame Game Tool
- It’s Not Your Fault Tool
- Blame-Shifting Narcissist Tool
- Better Person Tool
- There Is An Us Tool
- Take Responsibility Tool
Overview
Narcissism can have many facets, depending on the unique style of narcissism you encounter. This post goes beyond explaining the most common traits of narcissism and identifies one specific pattern common across the board.
Narcissists have difficulty being honest about the havoc they create.
When You See This, It's Narcissism Video: 12 Minutes
8 Things To Watch For In A Narcissist
If you’re trying to figure out if someone has very strong narcissistic tendencies, and they’re far down on the narcissism spectrum, there are multiple things you can watch for.
- They have a very high need to be in control.
- They’re not empathetic people.
- They’re exploitive.
- They’re manipulative.
- They’re entitled.
- They think way too highly of themselves.
- They have to be superior.
- They’re very thin-skinned.
The Number One Narcissist Habit
All of the above are elements of narcissism, but if there’s one habit that you really want to watch for that says you’re truly dealing with a narcissist, it’s this:
“A narcissist refuses to take responsibility for personal and relational difficulties.”
The Number One Non-Narcissist Habit
How many of you, including myself, have made mistakes, do things wrong, or have things that didn’t go right in our relationships? It’s obviously a very human thing to make mistakes.
Those of us who are responsible will say:
“I own it. I did it. It happened. What can I do to change?“
The Narcissist Blame Game
“Well, the reason it happened is because of [insert name of somebody else].”
Narcissists will blame shift.
They’ll say things like:
“It’s not my fault.”
“It’s his fault.”
When you have a narcissistic brain, it’s always somebody else’s fault.
Instead of taking ownership, narcissists will go into hiding or denial. They’ll defend themselves, and do anything but say: “I take responsibility.”
7 Key Ingredients For Responsibility That Narcissist's Lack
Below are seven key ingredients that are a part of responsible reaction to emotional and relational difficulties.
See how they differ from the narcissist(s) in your life.
Responsibility Ingredient 1: Believe In Your Capacity To Change
First, in order to take responsibility for yourself, you need to establish your own belief in your capacity to change.
Little children don’t have the capacity to change and be responsible because they are ‘little children’. They have to be taught right versus wrong. But at some point in an individual’s development, we cross over what we might call the ‘age of accountability’ when you’re old enough (whether that’s 8 or 18) to say:
“I have a capacity to change. I have the capacity to make adjustments and I need to go ahead and take advantage of that and lean into it.”
For narcissists, however, they’re still back in toddler time.
They just bump into one irresponsibility after another in an oblivious way. It’s almost as though they deny the fact that they have passed into the age of accountability.
Responsibility Ingredient 2: Seek Control From The Inside Out
When you are a responsible person, you seek to control things from the inside out.
In other words, you know you have certain elements that require self-restraint, that need insight, and inner strength. You want to have a sense of knowledge, awareness and wisdom that you operate with. That’s what it means when you control things from the ‘inside out’. You know instinctively you need to think through who you are and why you do things.
Narcissists, however, control things from the ‘outside in’.
They want YOU to act correctly.
They want YOU to do this.
They want YOU to do that.
If this happens I’ll be alright, but if it doesn’t I’ll pour guilt and blame on you. They go heavy into the bossy, critical, forceful, demanding way of being because they don’t have an internal locus of control. It’s all external, and that sets them up to be highly co-dependant in the way that they do life.
Responsibility Ingredient 3: Honest About Yourself
When you have a sense of responsibility you are plainly honest about yourself. For example, if you have anger issues, you say it:
“I know sometimes I don’t manage my anger correctly. I need to look at that.”
Or it might be that you have a problem with insecurity and it shows up in the way you react to people. You’d say: “I need to look at that. I know that my insecurities take to places that I don’t really want to go.”
Or it could be that there was a big blunder or a mistake, and in honesty, you say:
“Yeah, that was me. The other person may not have done everything I wanted, but I participated.”
That’s honesty!
You want to have a sense of openness that leads to a sense of accountability. That’s what responsible people do.
Narcissists, however, won’t be honest.
The narcissist will say:
“If I have anger, insecurity, or defensiveness it’s YOUR fault, not mine.”
Responsibility Ingredient 4: Well Developed Value System
A fourth element that is required is a well-developed value system, also known as a ‘moral code’.
Narcissists have rules and regulations.
There are certain things YOU’RE supposed to do, things YOU’RE not meant to say, but when it comes to a healthy value system, they don’t have a well-conceived notion of the ‘why’.
For example, if I have a problem with anger, my value system says:
“I can manage my anger in such a way where I can still treat other people with respect because that’s part of my value system.”
The narcissist, however, thinks if he has anger YOU’RE supposed to do this and YOU shouldn’t have done that. So, it’s YOUR fault that I’m angry. They don’t go deep into the why, the meaning, or the morality of what they do. They live only on the surface and fear going deep. They have black and white, all or nothing thinking, and that’s it. There’s no depth. They are surface dwellers.
Responsibility Ingredient 5: Accept Guilt & Shame When Necessary
A fifth element that is part of responsible life is that you accept guilt and shame when necessary. Narcissists love nothing more than to give shame to you and pour guilt onto you.
If you’re reading this, you’re learning the tools needing to sidestep their guilt trips. You’ll know that the guilt thing is just one of their many manipulative tools. They have their manipulative tools, but you have your Surviving Narcissist Toolkit!
But let’s suppose you have done something wrong. You want to feel guilty. That’s healthy.
When you feel guilt or shame, a healthy person thinks to themselves:
“I can do better than that, and I know I need to do better than that.”
The guilt, in this context, helps you to become a better person before you move onto something else.
Narcissists, however, have an odd relationship with guilt and shame. It’s a weapon they use to punish and pummel other individuals. That’s not responsibility. That’s their blame-shifting tool.
Responsibility Ingredient 6: Learning & Insight Are Ongoing
In addition, number six, when you have healthy responsibility, learning is ‘ongoing’ and you consider insight a never-ending ongoing process.
You will think differently in your 60’s than in your 50’s. When in your 50’s you’ll think differently to your 40’s, 30’s and 20’s. As you grow and age and have more and more experiences.
You can hopefully pull those insights together and say:
“I’m learning how to be a better person.”
You can say that because you see life as an ongoing growth process.
Life is not just about getting things done. You know that for the rest of your life there will be some things you’re going to need to learn, refine and adjust. Narcissists don’t learn, refine and adjust. They only want to make YOU do things their way. Their sense of responsibility doesn’t lead to ongoing insights and inner growth.
Responsibility Ingredient 7: Respect The Rights Of Other Individuals
And finally, number seven, when you have good responsibility you respect the rights of other individuals.
When there is interpersonal strain and difficulty you may say to yourself:
“I realise that the other person, no matter what difficulty we might have, they’re struggling with their life too. I want to see if we can create a sense of togetherness and community as much as possible. Let’s see if we can pull all our resources so that we’re not working against each other. There’s an us, and a feeling of community.”
You will never hear those words pass the lips of a narcissist.
Conclusion
These are things that responsible people do, but when you engage with a narcissist they simple don’t do it. They don’t take responsibility for themselves.
12 Characteristics Of Responsible People:
- Responsible people don’t make excuses.
- Responsible people show up.
- Responsible people are loyal, yet not dutifully loyal.
- Responsible people want to get to know you.
- Responsible people know when to lay down their egos.
- Responsible people are not afraid of words like: “I was wrong, please forgive me?”.
- Responsible people don’t go around creating drama.
- Responsible people are known for having steady emotions because they work at it.
- Responsible people don’t gripe, criticise or complain excessively.
- Responsible people are consistent.
- Responsible people are disciplined.
- Responsible people are trustworthy.
By George Watts
