Category
Surviving Narcissism
Table Of Contents
- The Narcissist Invalidation Game Video
- 8 Narcissist Tendencies
- Dispute With A Narcissist
- Narcissist Invalidation
- When The Narcissist Tries To Invalidate You Take These 7 Steps
- Step 1: I Would Like To Understand What You Want Me To Know
- Step 2: State Your Perspective Calmly
- Step 3: I Understand That Is Your Perspective
- Step 4: I Am Comfortable With What I Have Already Decided
- Step 5: Use The None The Less Approach
- Step 6: Do What You Say You Are Going To Do
- Step 7: Make No Further Defence
- 5 Personality Ingredients When Dealing With Narcissist
- Conclusion
Overview
Once a narcissist begins invalidating you, it’s tempting to become drawn into a competition you are sure to lose. Here’s a winning strategy so you will be able to walk away from those episodes victorious. Hint: Your version of winning will not be the same as the narcissist.
The Narcissist Invalidation Game Video: 12 Minutes
8 Narcissistic Tendencies
If you’re trying to figure out if someone has very strong narcissistic tendencies, and they’re far down on the narcissism spectrum, there are 8 things you can watch for.
8 Narcissistic Tendencies
- They have a very high need to be in control.
- They’re not empathetic people.
- They’re exploitive.
- They’re manipulative.
- They’re entitled.
- They think way too highly of themselves.
- They have to be superior.
- They’re very thin-skinned.
It’s also important to know what the tendencies of a responsible (non-narcissistic) person are…
12 Non-Narcissistic Tendencies
- Responsible people don’t make excuses.
- Responsible people show up.
- Responsible people are loyal, yet not dutifully loyal.
- Responsible people want to get to know you.
- Responsible people know when to lay down their egos.
- Responsible people are not afraid of words like: “I was wrong, please forgive me?”.
- Responsible people don’t go around creating drama.
- Responsible people are known for having steady emotions because they work at it.
- Responsible people don’t gripe, criticise or complain excessively.
- Responsible people are consistent.
- Responsible people are disciplined.
- And most of all, responsible people are trustworthy.
Dispute With A Narcissist
Sorry to ask you this. Close your eyes and think about when you’re having a dispute with a narcissist.
Open your eyes.
It almost certainly didn’t end well.
Why is that?
The main reason for that is because narcissists are very enamoured with themselves. They believe to the very core that they are enlightened, and have so many amazing ideas that they certainly don’t need yours. Their sense of enlightenment, specialness, and self-absorption can lead to them being stubborn, controlling, and invalidating to others.
Narcissist Invalidation
To get you thinking about how ‘invalidating’ works, think about the opposite of invalidation.
When you were last in a dispute with a narcissist, when did they say:
“I want to validate that you feel as you do.”
You’ve probably never heard a sentence like that come from the lips of a narcissist.
Or maybe you’ve heard the narcissist say:
“You have your own unique perspective. It’s very important if we’re going to get along with each other for each to know and empathise with what the other person is thinking and feeling.”
No. No. And no. You’ve never heard a narcissist say something like that.
Or maybe they’ve said:
“You’re your own unique person and if you do some things differently to me, maybe I can even learn something from you, just as I hope you could learn something from me.”
A narcissist cannot think this way. They are more likely to jump through the eye of a needle than to validate you. A validating attitude is not something they bring to the table.
Instead, whenever you have that dispute, you’ll hear them say:
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Shut up.”
“I don’t want to hear from you.”
“Knock it off.”
“Just do what I tell you to do.”
When you do say something, they’ll explain to you why you’re wrong.
Or if you talk about something that’s important to you, they roll their eyes, have no interest, and then proceed to tell you what you should do instead (because wouldn’t you know it, their way is always the best way).
Has that ever happened to you? You bet it has.
What can you do about it?
Below are the seven steps to winning when the narcissist tries to invalidate you.
HINT: You’re going to beat them at their “invalidation game” by not playing the game.
When The Narcissist Tries To Invalidate You Take These 7 Steps
Step 1. "I'd like to understand what you want me to know."
The first step is when you’re at that place when the narcissist clearly has an opinion and wants to force that onto you, pause (take a calm, deep breath) and make this statement:
“I’d like to understand what you want me to know.”
That can be very counterintuitive because you don’t want to say that to the narcissist, but by making that kind of statement you’re taking yourself out of the adversarial position. The narcissist, by invalidating, putting you down, insulting, and criticising is essentially saying: “It’s a competition between you and me, and I want you to compete with me.”
So, when you say, “Help me understand what you want me to know“, you’re showing yourself to be a decent person and refusing to be drawn into the competition.
Step 2. State Your Perspective Calmly
Step two is to state your perspective…calmly.
How many times do you find yourself going into that defensive and pleading tone of voice. When you catch yourself doing that, stop. The narcissist loves it when you do that because it means they’ve already won the narcissist invalidation game.
Here’s what not to say in a pleading voice:
“Would you quit talking to me like that.”
“You’re always arguing.”
That’s not a winning strategy against a narcissist. Instead, let it be known that you have a perspective, and what it is in a calm tone of voice.
Step 3. "I Understand That's Your Perspective."
Step three is when you receive the inevitable pushback (when they go back into their invalidation mode), the next thing to say is:
“I understand that is your perspective.”
That’s it. Don’t say anything else.
Make no attempt to change their minds. Make no attempt to try to get them to see the light (your perspective) because if you do, it means you’ve got pulled back into the Narcissist Invalidation Game, and they absolutely have to be the victor.
So, just let them know that you understand their perspective.
Step 4. "I'm Comfortable With What I've Already Decided."
Step four is to go ahead and say:
“I’m comfortable with what I’ve already decided.”
That’s it. You don’t have to elaborate.
Step 5. Use The None The Less Approach
Step five is when they give the next inevitable pushback you use the “None The Less” approach.
Say this:
“Nonetheless, I’m holding to my decision.”
That’s it.
Don’t say anything else. When the pushback comes again (start invalidating you), repeat as necessary.
“Nonetheless, I’m holding to my decision.”
You may have to repeat that sentence a lot. It may feel like you have to use a megaphone, but remember to keep your tone calm.
Step 6. Do What You Say You're Going To Do
Step number six is to do what you say you’re going to do.
For example, you may say that you’re going to quit studying to become a doctor and pursue your singing career full-time.
Follow through with decisiveness. The narcissist is definitely not going to like it. They will almost certainly pull out all the stops to try to get you to change your perspective to theirs.
Step 7. Make No Further Defence
Step seven is kind of a non-step. Make no further defence.
That’s it.
The narcissist will try to draw you into their game. When they invalidate you, they’re trying to take the superior position. You must not try to take a superior position to them. You’re just going to start with the assumption that: “I’m a reasonable person“, and if that’s something you (the narcissist) wants to acknowledge that, maybe we can go somewhere, but if not, “I feel no need to play your game“.
5 Personality Ingredients When Dealing With A Narcissist
When you take this 7 Step Approach there are certain key personality ingredients that you need in order to pull it off.
Personality Ingredient 1
Determination Not To Go Straight Into Anger Mode
Going straight into anger mode is exactly what the narcissist wants you to do. When you go into ‘high anger’ you play directly into their hands because now you’re going to make yourself look foolish, and they can say something like: “See, that’s why you need to listen to me.”
Anger is your self-preservation emotion, so there are times when it is legitimate to speak up for yourself but in a case like this your mindset must be: “I don’t want to waste my emotional energy on somebody who is going to shoot it down anyway.” Always maintain a steady, calm mindset when interacting with a narcissist.
Personality Ingredient 2
Confidence In Yourself & Your Intensions
Do you believe that you’re a decent person? Do you believe as you engage with your world, whatever it is the narcissist is invalidating you over, do you know that you have good intentions and that you’re a decent person? You don’t need to tell the narcissist that, but you just know it within yourself.
Personality Ingredient 3
Lack Of Shock Of the Narcissist’s Need For Control
When you get into the flustered, agitated, intense reaction to the narcissist it’s as if you wanting to say: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.” Stop acting shocked. How many times have they tried to control you? Think about that. It’s probably hundreds of times throughout your entire life! Stop acting shocked. It’s a terrible strategy for dealing with a narcissist.
Personality Ingredient 4
Spot The Power Play And Refuse To React
Spot the power play and refuse to react. Ask yourself: “Is my goal with this person to establish power?” No, it isn’t, but it is their goal. They crave having power over you. But that isn’t your goal (unless you’re a narcissist). Instead of establishing power, you want to establish decency, respect, dignity, honour, and civility. Those kinds of values are what you want to establish as a healthy human being…not power. Don’t ever play the power game with a narcissist.
Personality Ingredient 5
I’m Not Able To Change This Person
You want to acknowledge within yourself: “I’m not able to change this person and I don’t feel the need to waste my time trying to do so. What I can do is focus on who I am…me being a healthy me.”
Conclusion
You’ve got this 7 step process that you can use when the narcissist wants to invalidate you. I promise you when you don’t play their game, you win the game. The irony is that you win by not trying to win. When you do that the narcissist will just roll their eyes, walk away, think you’re a terrible person, and hold a grudge.
And that is okay!
You know that the narcissist is not someone you want in your inner circle.
You know that their modus operandi is to rob you of yourself by making you part of their childish, power-seeking games.
You know to refuse to play their games.
You know you have better things to do with your time and life.
By George Watts
