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Surviving Narcissism
Table Of Contents
- Checklist For Identifying Narcissism Video
- Narcissist Trait 1: Public Self & Private Self Don’t Match
- Narcissist Trait 2: Loyalty Is Superficial
- Narcissist Trait 3: Can’t Admit Their Own Mistakes
- Narcissist Trait 4: Offer Lots Of Unsolicited Advice
- Narcissist Trait 5: Zero Introspective Thinking
- Narcissist Trait 6: Suck You Into Their Agenda
- Narcissist Trait 7: Pigeon Hole You
- Narcissist Trait 8: Fantasists
- Narcissist Trait 9: Attraction To Power
- Narcissist Trait 10: Avoid Emotional Vulnerability
- Narcissist Trait 1 1: Lie Or Leave Out Essential Facts
- Narcissist Trait 12: Use Veiled Threats
- Narcissist Trait 13: Extremes In Managing Money
- Narcissist Trait 14: How Dare You Mentality
- Narcissist Trait 15: Dismissive Of Other People’s Feelings
- Narcissist Trait 16: Steal People’s Thunder
- Narcissist Trait 17: Make You Walk On Eggshells
- Narcissist Trait 18: Double Standards
- Narcissist Trait 19: Poor Understanding Of Love
- Narcissist Trait 20: No Appreciation For Your Boundaries
- Conclusion
Surviving Narcissism Tools
- Spot The Phoney Tool
- Blame Shifting Awareness Tool
- Unsolicited Advice Equals Criticism Tool
- Narcissists Favourite Words Tool
Overview
Textbooks and manuals will identify ingredients to help you know what narcissism is, focusing on traits like high control, low empathy, entitlement, and so forth. Below is a list of 20 real-life identifiers of narcissism that go beyond the textbooks. These easy-to-remember definitions for narcissism can help you know even more clearly what narcissism truly is.
Checklist For Indentifying Narcissism Video: 14 Minutes
20 Point Trait Checklist For Identifying Narcissism
There are two different ways to gain an understanding of what the narcissistic pattern of life is like. One way is to be academic and understand the main ingredients that make up the narcissist such as high control, low empathy, entitlement, exploitation, manipulation, superiority, and so forth. It’s a very self-absorbed way of living.
Therapists deal with people in real time and understand how narcissism plays out inside the home, work, and relationships. They like to help their clients identify behaviours of narcissism so they can make adjustments. Knowledge is power. You need to know what you’re dealing with.
Narcissist Trait 1: Public Self & Private Self Don't Match
The narcissist’s public selves and private selves do NOT match.
That means narcissists can be phoney. They may be charming on the outside (especially to strangers) but behind the scenes, you know them to be something very different.
Narcissist Trait 2: Loyalty Is Superficial
Loyalty is superficial with a narcissist. They think of you as someone who is useful as long as you serve a function for them. Once you stop serving the function (you don’t give them the supply they crave), you’re out the door.
Narcissist Trait 3: Can't Admit Their Own Mistakes
Narcissists cannot admit mistakes. In fact, they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again. Any time you try to confront them, their response is: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. If you interpret this as a mistake it’s because you did [fill in the blank].”
They will blame you or someone else for ‘their’ mistake. This is classic blame-shifting behaviour.
They could make a mistake that is so obvious to everyone on Planet Earth but be unable to admit they made it. For example, if they added 1 +1 and arrived at the answer 3 (see image above), they would blame the mistake on the faulty teaching of the math teacher, or say that one of the ones was actually a two.
Narcissist Trait 4: Offer Lots Of Unsolicited Advice
They will give you lots and lots of advice that you never asked for.
Formula
Unsolicited advice = Criticism
If someone gives you unsolicited advice they are criticising you.
Narcissists are critics! They are constantly watching you trying to figure out what you’ve done wrong recently. They are not at all bashful about letting you know what you’ve done that doesn’t please them.
Narcissist Trait 5: Zero Introspective Thinking
Introspective thinking is almost non-existent with narcissists. They are not the kind of individuals that think:
“Who am I?”
“What prompts me to be the way that I am?”
They live behind a false self.
They live with a mask on.
For them to be introspective would mean they’d have to honest about their fears and insecurities, but they don’t think they need to look into that. They have an exterior that is very thick that doesn’t allow them to go within and be honest about who they really are.
Narcissist Trait 6: Suck You Into Their Agenda
They will make many comments reminding you of obligations. In other words, they have an agenda, and they are not at all bashful at trying to fit you on that plan. They have favourite words such as: suppose to, have to, must, you better do, you need to, etc.
Narcissist Trait 7: Pigeon Hole You
They have a strong inclination to pigeon hole people, which means putting people into categories such as race, gender, lifestyle preferences, belief systems, interests, and habits.
If you match the narcissist’s categories (pigeon holes) then you’re okay in their eyes and are part of the club. If you don’t fit into any of their categories (pigeon holes), you’ll be dismissed. They don’t think in terms of ‘how to learn from one another’, because being different threatens them because it means they’re not the ultimate, special person in the room.
They will never consider you to be someone that they can learn from.
Narcissist Trait 8: Fantasist Who Craves Being With Beautiful People
They nurse idealised fantasies.
Fantasies are scenarios that are statistically implausible or impossible in reality. You probably already know this, but they don’t really live in the ‘real world’ because their fantasies are so much more interesting to them.
They want to be the best, so can easily get caught up in materialism, and want the very best of things even if they can’t afford it. They hate being considered as ordinary or average at anything.
They crave being with the ‘beautiful people’, like the woman in the image above. They also crave being with people who adore them. If you don’t adore them, watch out!
Narcissist Trait 9: Attraction To Power
They can be attracted to people, themes and activities that exude power and authority.
This explains why many narcissists try to claw their way to the top of the organisation. They like themes like: smack them down, be the best, be the meanest, and run over people if you have to. They crave making people understand that they’re the authority.
They believe that to be a somebody you have to run over people to get what they want.
Narcissist Trait 10: Avoid Emotional Vulnerability
They will avoid any emotional vulnerability. When it comes time for them to express tenderness, they think that is for people who are emotional weaklings. They have such a tight need to be in control which makes vulnerability practically impossible for them.
You’ll never see them cry unless you’re cooking onions!
Narcissist Trait 11: Lie Or Leave Out Essential Facts
They are very willing to lie or leave out essential facts when they are talking with you about things.
To them, life is a competition and rather than having a sense of honesty, openness and trustworthiness they are only concerned with how to win over you. Truth to them is what it needs to be for them today.
This is similar to trait number 8 (fantasists) because their lies are true to them.
I learned early on in my childhood that I couldn’t trust a single thing my dad said. It was as if he had a little devil inside him that made it hard for him to be truthful.
Narcissist Trait 12: Use Veiled Threats
They often use veiled threats.
Have you ever been with a narcissist who has said something like:
- “You better think twice about what you’re going to do now.”
- “You better watch your mouth.”
- “Around me, those things aren’t going to be tolerated.”
It’s there way of saying, “I’m superior,” and don’t you forget that.
Narcissist Trait 13: Extremes In Managing Money
They can be extreme in how they manage money.
Sometimes they can be extremely tight and very dictatorial in how money is meted out. Other times they can be extremely loose (usually in self-indulgence or paying for a meal when out in a group to look like a powerful, kind person).
Money to narcissists represents power. They want power. They want self-indulgence.
Narcissist Trait 14: How Dare You Mentality
If you confront the narcissist you’ll probably be met with irrational anger.
Narcissists can have this ‘how dare you’ mentality if you have an idea that conflicts with them. If you disagree with them, anger will come out in an active or passive way.
Narcissist Trait 15: Dismissive Of Other People's Feelings
They are persistently dismissive of other people’s feelings.
Narcissists have a very strong all or nothing, back or white approach to life. Emotions tend not to fit into black or white slots. Since they aren’t able to make emotions fit, they simply don’t bother with them.
If you feel something, they’re like, “Well, I wouldn’t have felt that,” rather than saying, “Well, help me understand that.”
Without emotions to guide them, they automatically think that you’re wrong and dismiss you.
Narcissist Trait 16: Steal People's Thunder
They steal people’s thunder.
Let’s suppose you’ve been given some kind of reward or a nice compliment, the narcissist will come along and say, “You know that I made the whole thing possible,” instead of letting you have the limelight for a few moments.
They always want the limelight on them.
They hate it when others are the centre of attention.
They need to be seen as the best and the brightest.
Narcissist Trait 17: Make You Walk On Eggshells
There can be a chronic undertow of frustration and annoyance that they exude.
Have you ever felt like when you’re around that narcissist that you have to walk on eggshells?
You think to yourself: “Am I going to say the wrong thing today?”
You know some topics are off-limits, even though they are probably the most important topics for you. You don’t know when the narcissist’s frustration and anger are going to show up, but you know they almost certainly will so you feel constantly on guard around that person.
Narcissist Trait 18: Double Standards
They have many double standards because they have absolutely no sense of equality. To them there’s no ‘you’, there’s only ‘me, me and me’.
Their mindset is:
“What is required of you, is not required of me.”
“I can lie to you, but you can’t lie to me.”
“I can be angry and scream, but you better not do that to me.”
“I can be wasteful, but you can’t.”
“Cheating is okay for me, but not for thee.”
This double standard trait can be
Narcissist Trait 19: Poor Understanding Of Love
They have a very poor understanding of love.
To them, love equates to conformity. When you first got to know them they can love-bomb you so you will admire them, but that’s not love. Love bombing happens when the narcissist overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behaviour as a manipulation technique.
Love in the enduring sense involves traits like:
- Patience
- Tolerance
- Acceptance
Those are traits that narcissist’s are in short supply of.
Narcissist Trait 20: No Appreciation For Your Boundaries
They can have little or no appreciation for your boundaries.
Boundaries mean that you have a definition for who you are, and you stay inside your own definition. The narcissist is thinking, “I define you. You have to do what I say.” They’ll constantly try to get inside your world (your boundaries) and try to tell you who you’re supposed to be.
They don’t respect your right and freedom to be you.
Conclusion
If someone has 10 or more of the narcissist traits listed above, that’s not a good sign. If they have 15 or more it almost certainly means you’re in a toxic relationship.
It’s also important to know what the traits of a responsible (non-narcissistic) person are…
12 Non-Narcissistic Traits
- Responsible people don’t make excuses.
- Responsible people show up.
- Responsible people are loyal, yet not dutifully loyal.
- Responsible people want to get to know you.
- Responsible people know when to lay down their egos.
- Responsible people are not afraid of words like: “I was wrong, please forgive me?”.
- Responsible people don’t go around creating drama.
- Responsible people are known for having steady emotions because they work at it.
- Responsible people don’t gripe, criticise or complain excessively.
- Responsible people are consistent.
- Responsible people are disciplined.
- And most of all, responsible people are trustworthy.
By George Watts
