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Surviving Narcissism
Table Of Contents
- 7 Questions A Narcissist Cannot Answer Video
- 8 Things To Watch For In A Narcissist
- Top 3 Ingredients Of Healthy Mindset Characteristics
- Question 1: “What Are Some Of Your Deepest Hurts?”
- Question 2: “Why Is It So Difficult For You To Admit Flaws And Mistakes?”
- Question 3: “Why Do You Feel The Need To Impress Strangers?”
- Question 4: “Why Do My Differences Threaten You So Much?”
- Question 5: “Do You Believe That Your Opinions Cancel Out The Opinions Of Others?”
- Question 6: “In What Ways Do You Need To Grow And Change?”
- Question 7: “If I Make You Feel So Frustrated Why Do You Keep Coming Back?”
- Question 8: “Why Do You Go Silent?”
- Conclusion
Narcissist Survival Tools
Overview
To grow and mature psychologically, you have to be willing to look inwardly with honesty. This post shows how narcissists are not inclined toward inward examination, nor are they honest with themselves. By the end of this post, you’ll know the 7 questions narcissists cannot come to terms with. As you ponder these questions, you’ll know more clearly who the narcissist is.
7 Questions A Narcissist Cannot Answer Video: 13 Minutes
8 Things To Watch For In A Narcissist
If you’re trying to figure out if someone has very strong narcissistic tendencies, and they’re far down on the narcissism spectrum, there are multiple things you can watch for.
- They have a very high need to be in control.
- They’re not empathetic people.
- They’re exploitive.
- They’re manipulative.
- They’re entitled.
- They think way too highly of themselves.
- They have to be superior.
- They’re very thin-skinned.
Top 3 Ingredients Of Healthy Mindset Characteristics
As you invest in your primary relationships, there are certain basic ingredients that you want to maintain so the relationship can have the deepest level of reward for you. These basic ingredients can also bring out the best in who you are.
The top three healthy mindset characteristics are:
- Openness
- Mutual curiosity
- Accountability
You want to have a sense of teamwork that says:
“I’d like to share with you who I am, and I’d like to know who you are, so we can put our resources together. That way we can encourage and stimulate each other as the days, weeks, months and years go by.”
That’s how healthy relationships work.
If, however, you throw a narcissist into the mix, they don’t use the same basic healthy characteristics. Narcissists don’t want a sense of teamwork. They want ‘you to be on their team, but what that means to them is that they want you to be subordinate to them.
Narcissists carefully construct their own narrative where they are the hero, they’re the winner, they’re the ones that know best, which means you don’t get honesty from them. They don’t want you to think that they are part of the group. They crave being above the rest of the group. So, self-revelation is not something they are comfortable with at all. They are very calculated. They are always looking for an angle.
Below are seven questions (and one bonus question) narcissists simply cannot answer because it would require them to have a sense of honesty that doesn't exist on the inside of them...
Question 1: "What Are Some Of Your Deepest Hurts?"
The first question is: “What are some of your deepest hurts?”
If you were to ask a narcissist that question, they would look at you with a blank face, and say: “I don’t have hurts”. Sometimes they may say something like: “Those people weren’t very good”, but they’ll say it doesn’t bother them. They don’t admit that they struggle, had strain, or tension.
They will blame others, and at the end of every interaction, they need to feel they come out of it strong and better than everyone else. They’ll think to themselves:
“You may have hurts, but I don’t.”
But that makes you immediately think to yourself…
“If you don’t have any hurts then why are you so mean. You had to learn that from somewhere?”
They don’t understand that their ‘meanness’ shows that they’ve been on the receiving end of some improper treatment, but their mindset is…
“The way that I show that I’m strong is by not admitting a weakness. I’m above all that stuff. The rest of you peons have weaknesses, but I don’t.”
But in healthy relationships, we understand that admitting weaknesses is a strength. Unfortunately, that concept is 100% lost on the narcissist.
Question 2: "Why Is It So Difficult For You To Admit Flaws And Mistakes?"
The second question is: “Why is it so difficult for you to admit flaws and mistakes?”
Whenever a narcissist makes a mistake, which we all do, rather than admitting it they will probably blame you, someone else or something.
Narcissists have such a thick wall of defensiveness around them (like a wall around a castle) because they think that admitting a mistake or flaw could bring down their castle. It’s almost as if admitting a mistake or flaw could literally kill them. Admitting a flaw or mistake would show that they are ‘regular people’, which is something they absolutely loath the thought of. In their minds they are above you…always.
Question 3: "Why Do You Feel The Need To Impress Strangers?"
The third question is: “Why Do You Feel The Need To Impress Strangers?”
When you are around strangers, you certainly want to be pleasant, but when narcissists see someone who doesn’t know them very well they’re thinking: “This is a blank slate here and I get to write whatever story I want to write“. Strangers represent shallowness and superficiality for the narcissist. The narcissist will pull out all the stops to let you know how amazing they are. The stranger won’t know the stories are either highly embellished or a complete pack of lies.
The narcissist loves to go fishing for admiration.
When they are in front of someone who doesn’t have the advantage of the ‘behind the scenes stuff of the narcissist’, they pull out a charm offensive so the stranger walks away thinking he/she is a really nice person when in reality it’s all phoney.
True friendship and love come when knowing each other’s fullness, pluses and minuses, not just the superficial stuff which is a concept the narcissist is unable to comprehend.
Question 4: "Why Do My Differences Threaten You So Much?"
A fourth question is: “Why do my differences threaten you so much?” If you interpret things differently, or if you have a different emotional reaction, or if you have a different preference the narcissist thinks: “Why are you doing this to me?” Your uniqueness threatens them because they have no empathy and no notion that other people have their own ways of thinking about the world.
Empathy means being able to see life from another perspective. But the narcissist has no curiosity about you, what makes you tick, how you think, or how you feel. They have ZERO desire for another perspective. Your differences will threaten a narcissist because it might mean they aren’t the centre of the Universe at that moment.
Their lack of interest in you reflects their need to be the centre of attention at all times.
Question 5: "Do You Believe That Your Opinions Cancel Out The Opinions Of Others?"
A fifth question is: “Do you believe that your opinions cancel out the opinions of others?”
There are so many different topics and subjects that arose from varying opinions. It can be the big stuff like politics and religion, and simple stuff like what entertainment you like, or where you want to go on your holidays.
Narcissists have an opinion about everything, and you’ll never hear these words pass their lips, “Well, here’s my opinion. What’s yours?” They don’t want to know your opinion. In their mind, there is only one opinion that matters (hint, it’s not yours).
Narcissists honestly believe that they have such a high, lofty notion about how life is supposed to be, they think your option is irrelevant. In their minds, they see themselves as a Viking chiefdom sitting on a throne swinging ale in one hand and wielding a sword in the other. Their word is the law. Your word means nothing.
Question 6: "In What Ways Do You Need To Grow And Change?"
A sixth question is: “In what ways do you need to grow and change?”
When you ask that question the narcissist is thinking, “Well, I could probably have a nicer house or make more money.” But they will never think they need to grow and change? They require such a tightly sculpted image of themselves, that to suggest they need to grow and change implies (in their minds) that they are not a complete person. It illustrates that they live with hidden shame.
To suggest that you need to grow means you don’t have everything figured out in life, which to them is the worst thing in the world.
That’s why the narcissist can’t answer this question.
Question 7: "If I Make You Feel So Frustrated Why Do You Keep Coming Back?"
A seventh question is: “If I make you feel so frustrated why do you keep coming back?”
Sometimes the narcissist will say: “Forget it. Get out of here. I can’t stand you.” But that response is rare. The reason is that even though they have a lot of anger, strain, and tension aimed at you (usually by constant criticism of you), their sense of superiority makes them feel good about themselves.
Every time you complain that feeds them. That’s their narcissistic supply. It makes them think you need them to keep you on the straight and narrow.
Conflict, strain and tension allow them to put on their mask of superiority.
Question 8: "Why Do You Go Silent?"
An eighth question is: “Why do you go silent?”
Sometimes when dealing with you they’ll give you the silent treatment. They’ll ignore you, pull back, withdraw, keep secrets, and keep you in the dark. It’s all part of their fear and their propensity towards passive-aggressive behaviour. It lets them get their anger out, but with the least amount of vulnerability.
Conclusion
So, there you have it. Those are the questions that narcissists simply cannot answer. They can’t be open with you. They can’t access the interior of themselves.
As you observe these narcissist traits, you have a new mindset to access.
For example, you can think things like:
- I like being personable.
- I like being accountable.
- I like learning and growing.
- I like being free.
- I like not needing to wear a mask.
- I like being me.
- I like coming to terms with my failures.
- I like loving all of you including your quirks.
- I like not looking for angles to gain superiority over others.
We are all a combination of PLUSES and MINUSES. Stay away from the extremes. Don’t look at someone as all minuses (even the narcissist) or all pluses. As you get to know yourself and others, you’ll allow the entire spectrum of minuses and pluses.
Though, that doesn’t mean you let the narcissist walk all over you. Yes, humans are a combination of pluses and minuses, but if the minuses heavily outway the pluses, it may be time to get out of the relationship.
Because you’re reading this, and taking action on the surviving narcissism one-minute practice cards, you’re beginning to be aware of their games and choose not to participate in them because you’re comfortable with ‘you’ being ‘you’.
By George Watts
